I’ve always considered myself a strong person. I do my best
to stay to myself; otherwise, I get into trouble being me. As I get older, I
realize that I’ve never let any one person know all of who I am. Why? I think it’s a
way I cope. I don’t want to be judged, but at the same time, I don’t mind the
judgment.
I’ve bought into the idea that if I remain somewhat
compartmentalized externally, it will keep people away. To some degree, I don’t
believe I’m anything special that should draw others to herself; yet, on the
other hand, I believe I have so much to offer the world. I think deep inside, I’m
afraid to fail others: their idea of who they think I am or simply failing them
by being me.
I’ve taken this month to evaluate who I am, and I’ve really
struggled with that. Like who am I, outside of
being a wife, mother, sister, friend, or daughter? Not counting the outside world, do I truly have an identity? The truth hit me at some point today, and I’ve been
digging deep into why I became how I am. The longer I think, the sadder I
become. Issues I’ve never dealt with, because I pour myself into just about
everything else, began to surface late last year.
The year ahead is going to require me to be more open and
honest with myself. Just about everything I do is calculated or weighed: my
relationships with people, the work I do, and everything else in my life. I
think this year is going to be one of exploration for me. I’m going to do a
personal audit, because I don’t really like all of who I am. I’ve carried hurts
and anger with me for years and thought that they would somehow just disappear
at some point. The truth is, if I don’t deal with them, they may destroy the beauty
that surrounds me, because without facing them, I can never truly be happy or
able to enjoy the gifts I have been given. Also, my children, husband, and
friends will never truly know who I am and all of who I can be if I don’t evaluate
myself and put down my guard.
It will definitely be a long process, and there will be many
moments of silence. I need to truly let go and let God. So, to those I’ve let down over the years, I apologize. I’m truly a work in progress. He ain’t through
with me yet. This year will be one of rebuilding , strengthening areas of
weakness, much pondering, and growth. To be the best me for my family, and the kingdom of God, I need to
rebuild the real me God’s way, with His help.
