Less than two weeks ago, my oldest child turned 13. To be
quite honest, it was a very sobering time for me. My son had hit a milestone which
really caused me to reflect, because I recalled the day of his birth as if it
were only days ago. I remembered my excitement and anxiety, both at great highs.
What would life as a mom be like? Was I even equipped to take on the new role?
Who was I to think I was prepared to raise another human being? Was I being
selfish bringing another human into our broken world? Well, all those thoughts
ceased the moment that tiny being, with a head full of hair, was placed in my
arms. Since then, my life has never been the same.
Now, 13 years later, after many ups and downs, sleepless
nights, days of doubt, yet many memories and beautiful moments, there are a few
things I can say I have learned, mainly by default, that I am both happy and
ashamed to admit.
1. Perfection is relative. You see, my oldest child
is different from his younger siblings, and I have written about his beautiful
mind in the past. For many years, I blamed myself for his being different. When
he was born, I was only able to be home for two weeks before returning to work.
He was the only child of our three who attended a daycare of some sort. So many
times, I’ve said to myself, “If I had just been home more, then…” “If I had
just followed my intuition when I noticed his speech issues, then…” It is only of
recent, if I am being transparent, that I’ve come to realize he is perfect
exactly as he is. The moment I truly embraced that, our relationship blossomed
unlike ever before. He and I get each other in a way we never have, and I love
it.
2. Monkey see, monkey do is a thing. My daughter,
more than her brothers, has taught me that I must always be mindful of what I
do (around them). She challenges me daily, reminding me that many of her actions
and ways of being are just her following in my footsteps. She loves and
respects me, and that is great, but it makes me more conscious of my every word
and move.
3. My life is more than just about me and what I
want. The moment I decided to be a parent, I could no longer just consider myself
and what makes me happy. My career choices weren’t about just what I wanted but
what I wanted for us. My time became more valuable; moments were cherished a lot
more. I had to suppress my inner hermit and do things like go to public places
like the park, Jump Street, Rush Fun Park, etc. I had to engage in activities
that do not interest me in the least bit, as the smell of random children and
the thought of germs lingering make me very uneasy.
4. Sacrifice is required daily. Every single day, I
give up a little part of myself for my children. Yes, I do, and you probably do,
too, even when it comes to the littlest of things. The other day, it was playing Shoutrageous with the children when I should
have been attending to some paperwork that would require an hour or so of my
time later. Today, it was sacrificing a 2-mile walk I was looking forward to
because they wanted to have popcorn and watch something, which ended up being a
bore to me but quite entertaining to them. We don’t get those moments back.
5. They have a right to question my actions,
respectfully. I learned the hard way that this was true. I lost my mind one day
and got in my feelings over something trivial. My daughter, as is her nature, later
pulled me aside, like I do with them, and inquired, “But, Mommy, I thought you
said if you know you’re right, fighting over it makes it seem you don’t believe
it. I know you were right, so why did you keep arguing about it? Why didn’t you
just ignore him?” Sigh…
6. The good I do or don’t, they notice. I used to
give money to the homeless on the side of the street. My children started to
follow suit, when they had spare cash. After a few years, I stopped, and of
course, they noticed. They asked why I didn’t like giving to the homeless like Jesus
did. We had a great conversation and agreed that giving is good, but that we
should give food and water instead.
7. Consistency is key, so my“yes” must be “yes” and
my “no” must be “no”. If there’s one thing my children know well about me, it is that
if I say “yes” to something, my word is my bond, even when I wish it wasn’t.
Another, which they repeat to one another is, “You already asked her, and she
said, “no”. You know Mommy doesn’t change her mind.”
8. What I may be able to handle, they may not be
able to bear. I am the “man up” queen. I’m not big on wallowing in tears or pity
parties, but I do believe in having “moments”. I learned the hard way that even
though I have difficulty knowing how to respond when others are crying, with my
children, I can’t make them feel less than for expressing themselves through tears.
As awkward as it often can be for me still, I have come to realize, through
them, that adult or child, we all handle things quite differently, and I need
to respect that.
9. I must love even when it’s hard to do so. For
the sake of my children, I have, on many occasions, had to suppress my inner
petty. There have been people I know it’s obvious I just can’t stand, but
because I love my children and they care for them, I do my best to look at the people through
their eyes and God’s. It’s amazing how forgiving and loving children can be
even when they have been deeply hurt. Look, I’m still learning.
10.
Words are powerful. They are fire. They either
ignite hope and inspire, or they fiercely burn up everything I’ve taken the
time to build in them.
11.
Like A.L. Williams said, way before Nike caught
on, “Just do it”. As their parent, I can't just talk about it, I have to be about it, whatever "it" may be. I can’t just say, “one day, I’ll…” “One day, we will…” Just do it! If I have
a passion, I can't use my children as a reason not to pursue it. They are not
my crutches; they are my reason. I've put them (as crutches) down many times, in order be the best version of myself I can be for
them, and myself. When they see me pursue my dreams and passions, they
realize I am unstoppable, and if I can be unstoppable, they can be, too. I allow my children to dream, but we talk about what it takes to
achieve those dreams as well.
As my children's parent, my sole purpose is to raise loving, God-focused
children who embrace the world with wonder and who know and believe that they
can impact the world significantly with their gifts and talents. In this life,
I truly believe we all just want to be somebody. My children are little beings
who will grow to be leaders of tomorrow. It bothers me when people say, “Don’t
listen to them, they’re just kids.” Honestly, I listen to them, because they
haven’t been tainted by the world. They still believe anything is possible. They
haven’t lost faith in the goodness of humanity. When they say, “hi” to someone
and they are ignored, I remind them that “hi,” or a smile, could make the next
person's day, and they whole-heartedly believe it. In the big world, I’m nobody,
but in my children’s world, I am definitely somebody.
