At my age, the idea that I would even be
saying at this time, that I’m still “finding myself” is odd to me. I figured that
by about 35, we, as adults, should be fully aware of who we are and what we are
truly capable of or what we find insurmountable and potentially a challenge to
conquer. It’s fitting, I suppose, that as I get closer to 40, that I would be
in deep thought more often than I ever have. I sleep much later regularly and
still wake up early.
My mind continuously works and wonders. At
the end of the day, I nit-pick at every
decision I made during the day and try to self-evaluate. I attempt to “fast”
those pesky habits I just seem to be drawn to or have made part of my daily
life and allowed to become my new normal. It’s not easy, I tell ya. The
annoying thing is that the more often I ponder, the less I like the grown up
version of me. Why? I had envisioned myself being a whole different person at
this point in my life, and the fact that I am so far from my teenage idea of me
as an adult honestly keeps me up at night.
I tend to be a judgemental person, because
I have such high expectations of myself and hardly give myself a break.
Unfortunately, with that same measure, I
often address others when it comes to things I probably don’t truly even
understand. Considering all my flaws and the hurdles in my life I should be
jumping over but choose to skirt around, I realize I don’t get very far,
because I’m my own roadblock and I often allow others to be as well.
Today though, I’m done. I have decided that
I need to surround myself with purposeful people, individuals who are grounded
and believe in living for greater purposes than just themselves. I am choosing
to impact the world at large, in order to impact my world. My path of choice
may not look like everyone else’s, but mark my words, my existence here on
Earth will mean something. As one of my
mentors, Richard Church, rightfully reminds us often: Live your life so that when your headstone is
put up, the dash between your birth and death would have meant something to many.
The life you live now matters; touch as many lives as you can along the way.
Many have mocked me for my crusade, thinking
it is self-serving, and that’s okay, because they don’t know me. Anyone who
knows a single thing about me knows money does not move or motivate me. I used
to be concerned about how people viewed me or whether they would accept my
offer to enrich their lives in the same way mine has been. I’ve decided to stop
caring what others think of me in this area of my life. I will no longer offer
apologizes for wanting to help others in the same way God used others to help my
family. I judge myself on a daily basis, so feel free to join me; I honestly
don’t care.
