No Time for Division

I’ll be honest…the last several months have really thrown me for a loop. I have thought long and hard about what to make of humanity. I have pondered what to tell my children when they get old enough to realize that the world around them is not as safe as they believe. I have reminisced about how about 25 or 30 years ago, the biggest fears I had were the wrath of God if I did something bad, being shot in a drive-by shooting, or being chased (again) by a Rottweiler on the way to Circle K and actually being caught by it.

Let’s take an isolated incident like the June 17 shooting of attendees of a  Bible study at Emanuel AME Church shooting in Charleston, South Carolina as an example. Some may argue that racism has begun or resurfaced. Some may say it was never obliterated and has just been hidden or covered up by other issues going on in the world. Some may say those who marched and fought for freedom are probably rolling over in their graves right about now. The interesting thing is that the nine people who died that evening were together, united for one cause, at least that’s what one of faith like myself believe. As a believer in Christ and one who has led and attended many Bible studies in my lifetime, the reason I have been a part of them was to learn about the Lord and how to grow in His wisdom and truth. So, in my heart of hearts, that’s what I choose to believe of each of the individuals in attendance that night.

Was I there? No, but I do know that Bible studies are often held in the evening, around dinner time or thereafter. During this time, most other folks are at home eating dinner or winding down from a long day of work. So Bible study attendance in itself is a form of devotion, or even sacrifice. One who attends is taking from his or her time to meet with other like-minded individuals to learn, to grow, to grasp onto something beyond themselves. Could they be at home and do the same thing? Probably. However, these individuals are those who see the purpose for gathering in this manner and choose to deny themselves time alone to rest, eat, or snuggle in with their families because they are seeking fellowship.

We all do this. For those who go to bars, they seek their own form of fellowship: like-minded folks, those who drink. Those who go clubbing seek fellowship as well. They want to meet like-minded folks who like to “get in there” and “shake their tail feathers”.  Those who attend AA meetings seek fellowship as well. They seek a place where people who have gone through what they have can meet and share their experiences of growth and moments of weakness.

So one day, when my children ask me why God would let people who were gathering in search of more of Him to be gunned down by a young man who had a lot of hate in heart, I’m not quite sure what I will say. I’ll tell them the truth I know though, which is that everything happens for a reason, even though it doesn’t always make sense. We live in a world of chaos, fear, and hate. We live in a world where not everyone acknowledges God or respects His sovereignty. The interesting thing about Him is that He gave us all free will. Therefore, we as humans make decisions that probably often hurt His heart, but He wants us to realize that we need Him. That young man needs Him. There could have been more people there at Emanuel AME Church that night, but I can guarantee you that each of the people that were there that night were not there by mistake. Are their families going to grieve? Definitely. Will they understand? Probably not. Will some even be mad at God? I wouldn’t be surprised if they were.

The thing is that being that those individuals were there that night, I wouldn’t be surprised if one or more of them knew something was off but continued as they were anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was someone who was supposed to be there or had planned to be there who didn’t end up making it to church that night. Was that an accident? No, because God always knows what He’s doing. May it seem confusing? Of course.

The interesting thing is the general theme is that each had lived a life in which Christ was the center. If they had known that night would be their last on Earth, may some have squeezed their family members a bit tighter? I’m sure they would have. Did they all just sit there and wait their turns to be shot? Possibly. The stories we have heard and read about each of them indicate they were strong believers and may very well have sat there and waited for the inevitable to occur. Does it make God any less sovereign though? No.

Yes, black lives matter, but please, let’s not take the examples of the lives left behind for granted. Does Dylann Roof need to be penalized for the lives he took that night? Most certainly. Will justice ever truly be served for any of the victims? No, because no matter what kind of time or sentencing that is given to Roof, none of those who died will come back to life. They will still be missing at their children’s/grandchildren’s/loved one’s weddings, graduations, etc. Rather than rally over the fact that black lives were lost, let us remember that they were more than black individuals. They were individuals of faith who set examples with their lives that many won’t soon forget. While we tweet and Facebook our comments and spew our disgust from side-to-side, let’s not forget the reason and where these people died and the significance of it all. 

Let’s unite; this is no time for division. The world is already ugly enough. Let’s show the beauty and light of Christ by not being overcome with evil but overcoming evil with good. These individuals have families they left behind; they need to know their family members did not die in vain. Let Dylann Roof see that his hate did not prevail, regardless of what he may feel his actions accomplished that day.

                         “Where there is unity, there is victory.” - Publilius Syrus  

Oh, But It Can Fizzle So Quickly

When I was in my early 20’s I couldn’t wait to get married. I envisioned an outdoor wedding, either surrounded by a body of water or lots of greenery. I wanted something memorable. I wanted the food to be amazing, the music to be great, the MC to be funny, the DJ to be on top of the music, my dress to be simple but elegant, and to be able to dance the night away. Ahhh…that day had been planned in my mind for years, and it kind of went down like that. The only problem is that beyond that, all I had in mind was a fairy tale. Marriage would solve everything, after all, I’d no longer be alone, and I’d be part of a forever team.

Also, in my mind, I had imagined being pregnant sometime within the first two years, after we spent the first year travelling, finding out more about each other, and determining exactly where we’d like to live. We would both work, come home and cook together, clean, and wind down the day talking about our highs and lows of the day, as well as continue to dream about our future and make goals.

Well…that part didn’t quite end up that way in our case. The first year had quite a few ups and LOTS of downs. I realized just how dirty my husband really was, how much the way he brushed annoyed me, how much he was NOT about my huge crush on Chad Michael Murray and was not interested in entertaining the thought of me keeping all my cut-outs of him (CMM) on my nightstand. I also found that my sleeping with the radio on all night made it difficult for him to sleep. I also was made aware that he did not consider clothing a good choice for Christmas gifts, no matter the brand, quality, or price. And he soon found that my idea of “the best Christmas gift ever” was not a stuffed leopard holding leopard print lingerie, even though “you love everything leopard”. Needless to say, our first Christmas, seven days after our wedding and straight from our honeymoon, was VERY awkward.

Anyway, ten and a half years in and we’re STILL learning a lot about each other. The learning NEVER ends. Like one of the two officiants  of our wedding rightly said, “There is something new to discover about (one another) every day for the rest of your lives”. I tell you, I’m discovering! I don’t always like what I discover, and vice versa, but we’re definitely in it for the long haul.

Do we fight? Oh, do we ever! It’s not always tamed either. Some who don’t know us better would probably think that it was the last straw for us many times, but somehow we get through it. I’m the main culprit, because in my mind, I’m always right. After all, I’ve looked at it from every angle, and I just know my way is best, and for that reason, I often believe we should go with my way. And that’s often when the issues arise.

 Marriage is not always easy. Falling in love is not all that matters. Marriage is tough. It will test you as a person and as team player. It will expose the dirtiest parts of you and leave you to determine whether or not the camo you may have been wearing going in/ the charade you two have been playing/ the façade you’ve been using to mask the real you in order to snag one another is maintainable. The masks come off at some point. He’ll see the real you and vice versa. The truths and lies will be brought to light. In those moments, you have a choice to make. In those moments, you have to choose your partner. Choose the person you fell in love with…be in it, not for just the good times, but the bad as well…and trust me, those bad times can get really ugly and painful.

In our case, we come back to the fact that we made a commitment, we took a vow. Sometimes throwing in the towel seems like an option, but we do our best to keep pressing in, taking the time to better understand one another, see from the other’s perspective. It’s NOT about the children. It’s NOT about what others will say or think. It’s about us, our love.

Our wedding was beautiful. The day was amazing, but our life together is SO much more than that one day. One moment I don’t think I could dislike anyone so much, but in the next, he melts my heart. That’s just love. Marriage is work…HARD work. That’s why, like our mentors, the Palmas, recently reminded us, a marriage is not 50:50; it’s 100:100. If you’re not all in, it’s not going to last. One foot in and the other out doesn’t cut it. Having clauses in your for better or worse won’t work.

Marriage can be tough and sometimes even unbearable. You will feel like you’re at your wits end many times. You will want to punch him or her in the face; I guarantee it. Oh, it can fizzle so quickly, but that’s only if you let it.

Touch Him in Faith for Power

So, I’m that mom, right? The one who detests McDonald’s, Burger King, and most other fast food chains. I’m the mom who cringes when she sees someone offer her child a burger or chicken nuggets from anywhere but Chick-Fil-A (yes, somewhere in my head, that’s much better)…feel free to judge me.

I’m that mom who follows the doctor’s orders: no juice, just water; more veggies, a few fruits; go easy on sugar, etc. I do my best to follow the same rules. I don’t drink soda or juice and haven’t consistently for over five and two years respectively. I don’t purchase or eat red meat (unless we go to a restaurant and it’s been a while). I workout rigorously at least twice a week, and I calorie count…oh boy, do I count my calories.

So, when I started feeling fatigued often, despite all I do, I was encouraged by a friend to see my doctor. Well, the tests came in and I was found deficient of certain vitamins, walking around with an infection, and told I had high cholesterol. Great! (NOT!)

Then, I went for my annual women’s exam after skipping out on the exam the previous year. Afterward, I was told my breast exam was abnormal and that I needed a mammogram. Me? A mammogram before 40 years of age? I was always of the understanding that one doesn’t get a mammogram until the age of 40.

After getting the run-around for three weeks, I was finally seen this week. I was shuffled between technicians, no one giving me an answer. The mammogram I waited for three weeks to have done resulted in the need of an ultrasound. I was perspiring like crazy, since I wasn’t allowed to wear deodorant/antiperspirant or lotion, so I was ashy as could be, too.

My scans were submitted, and within ten minutes I was told I had fibroadenoma. I was told it wasn’t cancerous and was not a cyst. I was told I had two small growths, at 9 o’clock and 12 o’clock. I was informed that they could grow but would most likely not decrease in size or just disappear.

I was just confused. I watch what I eat. My family has no history of cancer, but yet I have to go in every six months for two years, to ensure the growths don’t grow. I’m instructed to call if they begin to hurt. All the while, my only thoughts are, “They aren’t cancerous. I have more time to live the life I’ve been blessed with. I get to be a wife, mother, and friend longer. I have a faithful God Who heals, so whatever fibroadenoma is and could potentially be, I have faith that it can dissolve and just disappear.

Mamas, our babies need us. We need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy enough to take care of them. The doctors are there for a reason. If you feel your strength waning, like something just isn’t right, get yourself looked at, it doesn’t hurt. Even if you have faith to move mountains, I believe that knowing what “it” is gives you a name to call it, so you can fight “it” with all you have with the power beyond yourself.   

You may not believe in a power above yourself, but I certainly do. I call that “power” Jesus. I’ve seen how He healed my aunt of Lupus, brought my brother to life, and have heard stories of people who have been given a few years to live due to cancer and who were told that by some miracle, they are cancer-free.  

The name of Jesus has power. I choose to believe. I choose to touch Him in faith for power. That’s my choice.

I, the Fun Snatcher

My family is fun-loving. The outdoors are great. Biking in the mid-day sun is kind of our thing. Picnicking with our favorite foods in the park, throwing water balloons at each other in the summer is something that’s enjoyed. Glitter, mud puddles, and Play-do…oh what fun!

Let me make a correction. My family is fun-loving, but I am not. When fun is sought in our home, the children go to their dad. I am the official snatcher of fun in our home. If someone wants to go outside for any reason, I ensure I inform them of the intensity of the sun, the bugs, the dogs that could potentially be off their leashes, or how it’s allergy season and they’ll only return miserable. The best time to go bike riding is between 6:30 am and 7:15 am, before the sun comes out and begins to bake my dark skin. I dislike sweating outdoors, because it just feels weird, and I’d prefer to keep the release of any type of bodily secretions to my home, if at all possible.

When my husband and I go out on dates, I’m what he considers “the cheapest date ever”.  So basically, if we’re supposed to go to a movie and dinner, I’ll look for a place where we can do dinner and movie at the same time, or see if I can convince my husband to omit the movie altogether. My favorite is going out to Paradise Bakery, ordering a Southwest Caesar Salad and sharing it. Why Paradise Bakery you may ask? Uhhh…no tip…duh!

If we have a baby-sitter, I count the amount of fun we can have based on how much we can save. Even if we told her we’d be out for about four hours, I see if we can get back in three. I like to be mindful that most young people would prefer to hang out with their friends rather than watching someone else’s children. Also, that means I spend less on the service and can save a few extra dollars.

Some may laugh. Some may shake their heads. Some may say, “Yep, that’s the cheap Esther I know.”  Yah…yah…yah…I guess I’m an extremist. I don’t care to be out in the sun. I dislike picnics, and I don’t like spending money unnecessarily. I can give reasons for each of these, and they may seem unreasonable to many, but that’s just who I am.

It’s funny how our experiences, from our earliest memories to now mold us into the individuals we are. For each of my idiosyncrasies, there seems to be a story behind it.  I think it’s the same for each of us. However, I’m coming to realize that our days on this Earth aren’t long, and the moments we have with our families really need to be cherished.

I’m not saying squander money or spend like there’s no tomorrow on toys and trips. It’s the little things. For instance, in my case, as much as I dislike the outdoors, I have promised my children at least 45 minutes of bike riding every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning this Summer. Also, I was blessed last month with some unexpected money. My first thought was, “I’m going to save this for our move.” Noble as that was, I realized it’s not often we have a little extra money. We seldom do anything spontaneous, because I, the fun snatcher, like to plan out the least expensive way to enjoy our time.
                                                                                                                                                A friend was getting married about two and a half hours away recently, and we had said we wouldn’t be able to to make it, due to car issues and other reasons. However, my husband reminded me of how I’d promised to try to be more spontaneous, knowing I really wanted to be there to support my friend but didn’t want to cost our family additional money. Due to the realization that we have never gone on a day trip as a family before, I remembered my husband wanting to go to Pima Air and Space Museum, I surprised him by suggesting we leave earlier in the day and add the museum to our itinerary.

Interestingly enough, we all had a good time, and we actually ATE at the museum. Granted, I made he and I share our meal, as well as the two youngest, but I’m trying, folks. Just suggesting the addition to the itinerary was greatly appreciated by my husband, and it meant a lot to him, so my goal is to attempt to be a little more spontaneous, not so scared of spending money because of my concern over all our bills, and to enjoy moments with my husband and children. It all goes by so quickly, and making new and fun memories is something I have to be purposeful about. We’re nothing but dust. Our days are numbered. We should enjoy the ones we are blessed to have with one another.