Am I Your Mate?

I believe I’ve mentioned it before, but if not, I am originally from Nigeria, in West Africa. In 1983, my family of five, at the time, moved to the United States shortly after I turned four years old. Apparently, at the time, I was fluent in my mother’s language, Yoruba, and reportedly felt more comfortable speaking it than English. My two younger siblings, almost 2 years and 10 months old, weren’t as well versed in the language and definitely had not spent enough time in Nigeria to become accustomed to the way of life there, or the culture. (Not to say that I was so knowledgeable myself at the age of four.)

As we grew up, our parents made sure that we valued respect, altruism, and community. As a people, at that time at least, those were the big things. So, for instance, every time our parents summoned us, we were trained to respond, “Yes, Mommy/Daddy”, without fail. If the words, “What?” or “Yes” made their way out, we were toast. If an adult walked into a room and there was no other seat available, we were to automatically offer our seat, even if it meant we would be left standing or looking for another seat.

Another important thing was ‘greeting’ when we met or saw someone older than us. It didn’t matter if we knew them, didn’t like them, had no clue who or how old they were. The important thing was to say, “Good morning/afternoon/evening” and smile. We were never allowed to wait for an ‘elder’ to speak to us first, as that was considered disrespectful. Averting your eyes in order to avoid greeting was never a good idea.

The words stupid, idiot, or dunce were used often, but we were not to use them in context of anyone older than ourselves. I was even allowed to slap my younger siblings if any of them ever called me one of those or dared to tell me to shut-up. As the oldest, I had quite a bit of power at my disposal, but in hindsight, I realize I probably abused it quite a bit.

By the age of ten, I was the oldest of five siblings. I was put in charge quite a bit and was encouraged to always demand respect from my younger siblings. I think having been put in such a position, even now, as an adult, I am still very much that way. Despite living in the United States, my siblings all being taller than me, and times having changed, I still strongly believe it is important to respect one’s elders. They may not always be right, but they have some wisdom that their time on Earth alone has given them and automatically gives them the right to, regardless of how equal we feel we should be.

Even now, as a mother, I am teaching my own children the importance of respect. Sometimes they become frustrated with me, because I insist that they call close family friends Uncle and Aunty so-and- so, versus their first names. I cannot stand when a human being I could have given birth to has the audacity to call me by my first name. On a good day, I’ll grin and bear it. On other days, I simply say, “Actually, that’s Miss Esther or Mrs Zufelt to you; please don’t call me by my first name.”

Talking back is frowned upon. It doesn’t matter whether the individual you’re speaking to has said the most absurd thing. Respect comes before anything else. The issue can still be addressed, but doing so without insulting or disrespecting the elder can sometimes be difficult. In such cases, it’s just better to walk away.

I really dislike when someone, especially someone younger than me, playfully slaps me on the shoulder and says, “Stuuuuppid!” That word is used so much more now than when I was younger, and it literally makes me cringe when someone says it to me. I just view it as disrespectful. I guess you can call me old-fashioned or old school. I was raised to respect others, in order to be respected in return, especially within one’s circle of friends.

My children will grow up using the phrases “yes, please”, “no, thank you”, “may I please…”, etc. I always thought I’d be the parent that has their children address individuals as ‘ma’am’ or ‘sir’, but at my age, when I hear a young person address me as ma’am, I feel about 15 years older, so I’ll spare all those clinging fiercely to their sexy and stick to teaching them to address older folks as Mr/Miss/Mrs or Uncle/Aunty. 

Ten Years Strong

Today, December 18^th, happens to be my husband and I’s 10^th wedding anniversary. Who knew ten years ago that we would be where we are today? Not me! I won’t lie and say it’s all been peachy or a stroll in the park. It’s been more like an endless rollercoaster. There have certainly been good times, but the bad times have been really bad. However, in these last ten years, I’ve learned and grown a lot. By no means am I the perfect wife. (HA! Far from it!) I do know that in the last several years, I’ve learned the following, and if any of it helps even one person or marriage, then I’ll be glad to have shared.

10.  Try and embrace one of the family things your spouse does that you may not understand but means the world to him/her. For instance, growing up, my family didn’t celebrate Christmas, in terms of gift giving, etc. We focused on Jesus, the reason for the season. However, my husband’s family is big on Christmas. For the first several years, I didn’t get why we made lists and gave gifts to others that they could probably just buy themselves. I also didn’t get why one would wait until the end of the year to give a gift. In our family, if you saw something someone would like, you bought it and gave it, even if their birthday was in a few days or Christmas was tomorrow. It just wasn’t a big deal to us growing up. For my husband’s sake though, I do my best to embrace it: going out to pick up stocking stuffers the week of Christmas and do my best to get excited about it, even though I get anxiety about the whole thing almost every year. I do know that he appreciates me getting into it for his sake, and that makes me happy. Your presence and participation could mean the world to your spouse. Plus, you never know…you may actually start looking forward to it.

9.  Support your spouse’s dreams, regardless of what naysayers may say. When it’s time to reap, the other will always know that even when it seemed impossible, you had his/her back, you believed in his or her dream. Don’t give into other people’s negativity. If you believe in your spouse, that’s fuel enough to help the dream become reality.

8. I’m not big on PDA, especially being mindful of my single friends. However, one thing I don’t mind is holding my husband’s hands.  It’s an indication of love without words. Sometimes, when we’re in a heated argument and end up giving each other the silent treatment, to break the ice, especially in a vehicle, one of us reaches out to the other’s hand and waits until the recipient responds with a squeeze. That small gesture is how we know we’re good. The issue may not have been worth the argument, and a little squeeze of the hand says, “I know you got in your feelings, and I got in mine. I’m sorry.” If it’s a bigger issue, we discuss it later, when we’re both calm and rational. Hand holding for me is us indicating we’re one, and we’re in this together.

7.  Find something that the two of you enjoy doing together, even if in silence, when you’re alone. My husband and I enjoy getting out a blanket and pillows and watching the movie “Something New” while playing Skipbo or Phase 10. We may not say more than a few words to each other, but that time together means a lot. Quality time versus quantity time is important. Learn to appreciate each other’s presence. Just make sure you find, or make, time for one another, in the absence of sex.

6.  Learn your spouse’s language. It’s not until about three years into our marriage that I realized that the “The Five Love Languages” weren’t just a hokey concept that Gary D. Chapman concocted. I realized that just because I appreciated when my husband did things around the house to help me out, me cleaning up the entire house before he returned from work did not have the same effect on him. He would have been satisfied with a hug and a kiss upon seeing me. The ta-da and gesturing to the kitchen, living room, etc didn’t mean much. While I am keen on acts of service, my husband is more appreciative of physical touch. Use the love language your spouse is more apt to receive than the one you like.

5.  It’s important to dream together. My husband and I have designed a house, started a nonprofit organization all in our minds. We talk about it when times are tough, to give us hope that together, we can reach our goals and our joint hope, or dream, can become our reality, as long as we each do our part and keep each other accountable. No one person does all the work or dreaming. They are joint dreams we intend to strive toward and attain together.

4.   Lean on one another. If there is anyone that should know you better than anybody on the planet, it should be your spouse. When life takes those sharp turns: you get turned down for the job of your dreams, you lose a close relative, you get laid off, or you just feel like giving up, your spouse should be there to encourage and pick you up. You’re partners who are supposed to do life together. His pain is yours and vice versa. Don’t keep it to yourself.

3. Don’t wait until night time to make up. I’ve found it’s better to talk it out before either of you leaves. In the heat of the moment, storming out could potentially worsen things. From another perspective, I know of one couple who never made it back to each other the night after a disagreement. One passed away unexpectedly, leaving the other heartbroken. We’re not promised another day or moment, so we should try not to let issues linger; patch them up as soon as you can.

2.  Talk to each other. Talk about everything, even the uncomfortable. If you can’t talk to your spouse, then who can you talk to? Your spouse should be able to accept you – good, bad, ugly, worst. It may hurt sometimes, but you don’t want an explosion, because even the simple irritants can fester and grow, becoming nuisances. If it bothers you, share it (lovingly). If you’re feeling insecure, share your insecurity; you should feel safe enough to be vulnerable with your spouse. Being honest about your feelings doesn’t make you a mitch or over-emotional.

1.  Fight for your marriage. Don’t let your families be the cause for strife between you two. Don’t let your friends’ advice or input make you question your relationship. There are well-wishers out there that don’t realize they are actually sowing seeds of doubt in you with their words. There are too many distractions in the world around us: money, work, the opposite sex, etc. If we do not fight for our marriages, divorce too easily becomes an option. If you love him/her, fight like your life depends on it, because if you don’t, someone out there wants what you are taking for granted.

Just know that that ONE should make you a better version of yourself. Together, you can take on the world and conquer it, if you work as a team. Love is beautiful and sweet. Cheers to your marriage, or your future marriage, as you wait for Mr/Mrs Right or are engaged at this time! 

I Guess I'm Like Rapunzel's Mom?

Being that my first two children were boys, I was over the moon when our third ultrasound indicated we would be having a girl. We went back and forth about names. Left to my husband, she was to be Naomi Joelle. I have always liked Nicolette, but he turned his nose up to it. So, the battle went on for months, until we agreed we should stick to Hebrew names as we had with our sons; hence, we agreed on Eliana Joelle.

Eliana = my God has answered

Joelle = Jehovah is God

I figured we were destined to be close, regardless of other people’s experiences with their daughters. We’d get pedicures, watch movies, and go shopping together. I had my mind in the clouds about all the great benefits having a girl would reap. Granted, that dream did in fact become reality, but with a hint of sass and attitude I did not anticipate.

Many times, I find myself getting heated over this neck-snapping, eye-rolling, akimbo-stanced female I don’t even recognize. I know in no way, shape, or form did I ever cop an attitude like she does when I was a child. Being the offspring of parents straight from Nigeria, I would have been slapped back to Africa having such gall. She reminds me of my youngest sister, who tried and tried our parents growing up. Miss “why”, “how come,” “I don’t want to”, “I don’t like him/her”…that was my little sister, and I remember all the spankings she got growing up. Always putting her foot in her mouth and not scared of a single person. With that in mind, if I hadn’t pushed that baby out of my body myself, I would have thought somehow, someway, she was actually my sister’s.

One day, she got in trouble, and after mean-mugging for a few minutes, she came up to me, hands on hip, and very matter-of-factly stated, “You shouldn’t pull our ears when we’re in trouble. You’re gonna make them break, and good mommies don’t do that. They just talk to their kids, like I talk to my baby when she doesn’t listen.” Then, she just walked away and went to play with her brothers.

On a few occasions, I see that she is a bit like me, and it’s actually embarrassing. She is quick-witted and has a comeback for almost any opposition posed. She’s not afraid to share her thoughts on a matter, if an opportunity is presented (and sometimes even when it’s not). 

There was a day one of her brothers had been told not to do something, so he wouldn’t get hurt in the process. Needless to say, he didn’t listen and continued anyway, until he got hurt. I continued cooking, unmoved. She ran over and started talking to him. I heard, “You shoulda have listened to Mommy. Now you’re over here crying. Are you happy? She told you to stop, and you didn’t listen. Nobody wants to hear you cry, so just stop it,” she hissed, and walked back to the kitchen where I was. Then she said, “I’ve already told him to stop crying. You can go spank him if you want.” I whipped my neck around but had no words.

The other day, I had my baby niece, and she was giggling as my daughter played with her. My brother walked into the living room and tried to join in on the fun. No one knew what happened, but our niece just started crying and screaming out of the blue. My daughter then stated, “She’s crying because you’re black. You look like a black monster, so she’s scared.” I was taken aback by that and scolded her for the rude comment. A few minutes after my brother left the room, our niece continued playing and giggling with her cousin. Then, unsolicited, my daughter stated, “See, Mommy…I told you” and continued playing with her cousin.

I’m not sure where all this attitude comes from, but I know some of it comes from me. I just was not expecting that yesterday, when I told her and her brothers that due to their behaviors, we would most likely not be going on a specific outing today. As my husband and I prepared to say their nighttime prayers with them, she blurted out, “Well, you’re a bad mommy. Good mommies don’t do that. They take their children, even if they don’t listen. You’re bad, just like Rapunzel’s mom. All princess’s moms are mean and bad, and I’m a princess, so you’re bad!”

I shot her a look that said, “You just tried it and are SO lucky I’m tired right now,” which my husband noticed, so he scolded her and informed her of how rude and disrespectful her comment was. She apologized to me, sat next to me, smiled, gave me a raggedy side hug and asked, “So can we go tomorrow?”