I can’t believe 2016 has come and is on its way out so
quickly. It was definitely jam-packed with its ups and downs - emotionally,
physically, and spiritually. I was my both my best and worst self, as a parent,
wife, and friend. I learned a lot about myself when under pressure, extremely
stressed, and over the moon with joy. Things that I thought I would never do, I
gave a shot. 2016 totally stretched me,
and so many others I know, to the limit.
I started the year unsure of myself, starting a new business
and feeling very unprepared. I had a few exams to take, in order to obtain
necessary certifications, so I would fully be able to help families and
individuals reach financial independence. Having come from a journalism, mass
communication, and sociology background, I doubted myself and my ability to
succeed. I had many moments of failure, where I beat myself up and convinced
myself I was letting down my family (both nuclear and extended). I was ashamed
of how many times I had to take each exam, due to self-doubt, and didn’t
believe I deserved the support so many dear friends gave me.
Due to what I considered my deficiencies, I became mean,
because as Iong as I pushed others away, they couldn’t see that I was breaking
down inside. However, the moment I was hit with the gravity of how much my
behavior had affected others was after I passed my first exam, the second time
around. I remember announcing it to our children during dinner. Everyone was
excited, but my first son seemed sad. I later pulled him aside and asked him
what was wrong, and his body language spoke volumes: head down, near tears. I
was at a loss.
It was after much prying that he admitted, “Mommy, my brain
keeps telling me you don’t love me.” I was tumbleweed. I’d convinced myself
that I was unworthy and in turn had made my son feel the same, by my actions.
Unwilling to accept that I was that horrible, I probed further. He shared, “I
know you love me, but my mind always tells me that when you (discipline) me,
you don’t really love me. You study all the time and always get mad if we play
too loud or knock over your books.” I was melting wax, but I allowed him to
continue. “I know you passed this exam, but you have another one.” I understood
what he was saying.
After I assured him that I did love him and apologized for
making him think otherwise, he asked me something that he’d apparently been
wanting to ask me for weeks: “Mommy, at your book signing, will you let
everyone know that the book is about me?” I couldn’t help but pull him close,
as I fought back tears, and whispered, “Yes”. I must have told him a dozen
times how much I loved him that night.
Another moment of failure came in November when I had to
inform our children that I had not won a trip to Disney World that I promised I
would win by working extremely hard and staying on task. The toughest part was
my one-on-one with our second son. He was my biggest cheerleader and had
cheered me on every step of the way: “Mommy, you can do it! I’ve told everybody
we’re going. Go help families; we’ll be okay.” It was only right to break the
news to him first.
I remember calling him into our bedroom the afternoon I
realized there was no way in the world I would be able to make the cut. He
walked in, all smiles, but his countenance changed when he saw my face. I had
him sit on the loveseat across from me. As I opened my mouth to speak, hot tears
began streaming down my face. He jumped up and ran over to me and asked what
was wrong. I hesitantly told him that I had not won the Disney World trip,
because I had not worked as hard as I should have. He looked up at me, obviously
heartbroken, and said, “That’s okay, Mommy.” I asked if he was upset, and I
remember it as if it was just today: “Mommy, you tried. I’m only a little bit
disappointed.” I was a puddle. I was in such shambles I asked that he break the
news to his siblings, who apparently had never believed we were going in the
first place, which was a spear to my chest. I was simply done for the day.
Despite the grief and many tears it brought, 2016 brought
great highs. I had my first book signing, and a lot of great friends and family
showed up and supported me. The love in the room that day was undeniable. People
who believed in me stood there beside and around me. I had not felt a high like
that since my cross country running days. I was Rocky Balboa.
In 2017, I intend to soar. I intend to host my first public
play, which is something I’d never fathomed. I will be the Baobab tree, which
has fire resistant bark and is unmoved by drought. I will be pliable clay, more
yielding to my Master’s will, rather than attempt to do things my way alone. I
will be Matira Beach, one of most beautiful beaches in Bora Bora with public
access. I intend to keep my promises. I intend to do and be better.
