I Want My Butt on My Face

As a mother and my own mother’s child, I think I still struggle with a few insecurities. When I was younger, I felt real insecure about my weight. As a competitive long distance runner, I had long legs and was very lanky. If I were to lay down, I would be as flat a pancake. There was nothing extraordinary about me except that I had very smooth, beautiful skin and thick, healthy hair.

I looked at my peers and noticed how the other girls in school were blossoming all around me. I was constantly told my time would come. At 14, my time was finally coming, but I had no hips, and I was still the great friend, no one’s girlfriend. The guys who liked me weren’t the kind I’d ever consider; plus, we weren’t allowed to date anyway.

Back then, if plastic surgery was as big as it is now, I’d probably have gotten a job, apart from working the family business, in order to afford breast and butt implants. I would probably have found some way to get something added to my hips, so I’d look more curvaceous. I’d probably have included permanent eye brows to hide my naturally scanty brows, and to enhance my naturally nice pucker, I would probably have considered permanent lipstick. Last, but certainly not least, I may have researched permanently straightening my hair without the use of relaxers. With all those changes, I’m sure my 14-year-old self would have been quite confident and happy with herself.

However, fast forward 20+ years, I realize how much I would have regretted those changes if they had been available to me then, knowing who I am now. Uhh…I’m no Beyonce or JLo, but I’m pretty satisfied with how I look, apart from what my doctor has told me I can’t change, no matter how many crunches I do.

Don’t get me wrong…if someone offers to pay for my abdominoplasty from a reputable doctor, I’m totally okay with that, if that means I can get my abs to look like they did when I was 29. In fact, I wouldn’t turn down a Mommy Makeover, as I wouldn’t mind some lifting. BUT other than that, I’m pretty content with what I look like, adult acne and all.

I think if we truly keep it real, there’s something each of us struggles with. It may be something ridiculously obvious or something that bothers us that most people can’t even see if we don’t point it out ourselves. I find it interesting how as a parent, I drill it into my children’s heads that they are “fearfully and wonderfully made”, yet I myself convince myself that I once was, but somewhere between childbearing and leaving the workforce, I’m no longer as wonderful as I used to be. Whereas, my husband still thinks I’m pretty hott reminding me that he knows how hard I work at eating right, exercising, and taking care of my God-given body. Yet, like so many, it doesn’t make me feel any better.

“Botched” is one of those shows I just can’t get enough of, and I think it further confirms what I stated – we all seem to struggle when it comes to our appearance. The heartbreaking part to me is when people take it to extremes. Sometimes I watch and wonder where a person’s mom is to say, “You know what…you may think looking like a caricature will make you happy but think of the future. One day, at 60, that may not be your idea of beauty, and by then, the aging process may take what looks great now and transform it to something rather scary.”

We sometimes are dissatisfied with ourselves, how we look and don’t consider our future, or the people we will bring into this world who will enter our world thinking they aren’t enough. They may think they have to change something, because they look nothing like the person who birthed them due to the numerous changes they have made to themselves. I know Justin Jedlica, the human Ken doll, states that “standards of beauty change,” questions why we need to commit to the human form, and mentions that he chooses to express his creativity through plastic surgery, but at what point does it stop? At what point do we say enough is enough?

The media already provides us with a distorted idea of what true beauty is, whether photoshopping a woman with cellulite/varicose veins/stretch marks, or touting plastic women as the epitome of true beauty. How will we ever feel satisfied with who we are and what we can accomplish if we’re too busy striving to be something other than who we were created to be?

Justin Jedlica, I disagree with you. Over 100 surgeries, $250k in work, removing the veins in your forehead, and more work to come screams insecurity and discontentment, not confidence and creativity. I’m no judge, but when will we ever be truly happy with ourselves, including myself?

I guess the day someone gets their butt transferred to their face in hopes of a fuller look, we may then consider THAT going too far and see it as a cry for help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVXvLkGt1_k

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIve-MgRaLM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwYL1BjKmHg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXNxj7tr1lw

Get Me Outta Here

With so much in the news today, I don’t even know where to start and if to do so. There’s nothing I can say that can really change anything. Should I start with the story of the Duggars? Nope, I’ll let you read it yourself: http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/21/us/josh-duggar-child-molestation-allegations/

Or the acquittal of the police officer in Cleveland? Nah, feel free to google it: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/05/24/us/michael-brelo-cleveland-police-officer-acquitted-of-manslaughter-in-2012-deaths.html?_r=0

How about Ireland’s change in its constitution to legalize same-sex marriage? http://www.cnn.com/2015/05/23/europe/ireland-referendum-same-sex-marriage/

Or the fact that in other news…

http://www.kpho.com/story/29109932/differing-perceptions-of-waco-baltimore-bothering-some

http://www.theamericanconservative.com/dreher/heads-lgbt-win-tails-christians-lose/

http://www.kpho.com/category/208616/news

There’s so much more going on around the globe, but I’m tired. My brain is exhausted; it hurts.

After a long week rounding out the school year, watching my children so excited about Summer and looking forward to all the adventures they can’t wait to experience, I sit back and long for those days. The world is changing around them, and they are completely oblivious. In my case, call me stupid or ridiculous, but ignorance is bliss when it comes to the news. There is so much hate and inconsistency in our world that it makes it difficult to want to wake up each morning.

If we aren’t disagreeing publicly on someone’s Facebook page, we’re tearing down people who are simply trying to survive and uphold their beliefs, or what they consider to be true, while calling them intolerant or bigots. The interesting thing is that the more hate we spew in either direction, the less that gets resolved, the more messed up the world as we know it is becoming.

I remember watching in the news when we were younger. My greatest fear was being shot randomly on the freeway by a drive-by shooter. Now, the drive-by shooters come in various forms, and they aren’t just armed with guns. They can cost you your job/livelihood, disrupt your life due to allegations that would not have stood years ago, or even result in ruined friendships just because you share your thoughts on an issue.

Wow…we’ve come a long way, folks. The only problem is that rather than progressing, we’re regressing at such a rate that it’s scary. Men and women died…for us…and we’re defecating on their graves and insulting their families with our disdain. Lord, help us all. I weep for the coming generations.

Why the Secrets?

I’m typically a pretty open person, so I often share to others’ discomfort or to an extent that makes people question my motive for doing so. I’ll tell you what, after living in a community of secrecy most of my life, I just figure if I want change, it may very well have to start with me.

My dad is a very open book, often to a fault. When you say one has no filter, that was our dad growing up. I think seeing that made me both proud to be his child and a tad embarrassed when he gave folks a piece of that mind of his. The thing is that no one really ever had to wonder what our dad was thinking. If you asked, he’d tell you, with no reservations. I personally liked that, and I still do. Although, having being married for over 35 years  and having five grown children and four grandchildren, he’s less rough around the edges. Funny thing is that I like him just as much that way.

As I’ve stated many times, I’m Nigerian, and for those who don’t know, we’re a pretty tight-knit group of people. I’ve known most of the Nigerians in my life since my birth or theirs and still manage to stay connected to them somehow. However, truth be told, we lie to ourselves like crazy! In an effort to protect ourselves, or maintain a front, we say all is well why we suffer in silence, often alone or within our families.

I’m one who believes there is power in numbers. I believe the ones who get the most assistance and pulled out of the mud faster and safer are those who cry for, or seek out, help. Otherwise, we each remain in a prison of sorts while there are so many people that pass by with the keys with which to free us.  

The thing is that we keep the dumbest of secrets, which annoys me. A person may be four months pregnant before they share that they’re pregnant. A person may be in need of a place to stay but would rather inconvenience a family member than ask a friend who only uses one of two or three bedrooms. Why? “I don’t want him/her in my business.” The truth is we do so as a result of fear, crazy tales or myths, or embarrassment.

I’m sorry… I’m of the opinion that if I’m to suffer, I will not do so in silence. That kind of stuff festers. It makes people sick. It makes for unhappy individuals on the inside and eventually outside. It makes for fake “friendships”.  People get ulcers , become depressed, or even commit suicide, so why keep it in?

Diagnosed with cancer? Reach out to others; that’s NO time to try to be valiant and fend for yourself. A shoulder to lean on while you fight is not weak. It shows strength in a way you may not understand and may even help you conquer it.

Had an affair? Tell your husband/wife/close friend; otherwise the truth will simply eat you up. Yah, you ain’t right for that, but it’s only fair to your spouse and family to be upfront. The truth comes out, and if it’s not you telling it, it does much more damage than if you had…on your own, as soon as possible. You made a decision, broke a vow,  so suck it up and 'fess up!

Are you down and out and have absolutely nowhere to go? Let someone know. There’s no reason to keep living a lie and sleeping in your car. It’s hard out on those streets!

Are you drowning in debt trying to keep your head above the waters of life, or to simply keep up with everyone  around you? Been there, done that (the former). Trust me, it comes to bite you in the long run. There’s no shame in asking for help. You may be embarrassed for a bit, but if you’re a responsible individual, the “hand out” you’re refusing to take may actually be the step that leads to your future financial success, because you’ve had time to reflect and learn what NOT to do.

Life feels like a maze at times, but there are so many people in this world, and in our lives, who have been through what we’ve been through but we’d never know it. We keep up appearances and keep hitting walls that could potentially be avoided by the knowledge and learning experiences of others.

Laugh at yourself. Who cares if others join you! We ALL do dumb stuff. Quit acting like your dumb stuff is in a league of its own or as if you’re the only person who’s ever been where you are.

You’re unique…we all are. You hurt; I’ve hurt. When I use the restroom, it usually smells like you’re walking through a field of roses but not always, so you’re not alone. Ease up on yourself. Don’t take yourself or situation so serious that you can’t let others in. We weren’t meant to bear our load alone. No matter what you've done, there may be consequences, but that's action and reaction for you. 

Secrets suck, and I’ll be honest…I hate them and hate being asked to keep them. 

I Won Bread and Lost

Oh to be in your prime doing what you love and having everything falling into place in your life. The ideal job (maybe not quite earning how much you would like, but loving your 9-to-5) and being newly married with a house you and your spouse watched being built from the ground up.  It was 2006, and I felt things couldn’t get much better. Life was good.

I got to thinking, kind of like when my husband and I were courting, “Something isn’t right”. Due to an issue that occurred years prior, I had been limited as far as my work ability. So of course I was grateful that a speech I had given in my speech class in college about adoption eventually landed me a job I loved. In my mind growing up, that would have been followed by my dream guy coming along and sweeping me off my feet, and both of us settling into our careers, moving into our dream house, and having four beautiful babies.

Unlike the life I had imagined, the man I fell in love with had no degree and worked a “lowly” job, well, based on how much he made. In my eyes, something had to change, and I expressed it over and over again. I saw past his current situation and knew what could be. I saw his talent, even when he couldn’t. I was making more money than him, and initially, it didn’t matter to me, but the day we started talking about having children, it all changed. I mean, I couldn’t bring a child into the world who would think that mediocre, or not following your dreams, was okay. There was no way I was going to let our child think his/her father, the man I fell in love with, was one with no direction.

Before I knew it, I went from nagging to harassing to being plain ol’ mean. I was hoping that if I pushed just enough, my husband would see what I saw in him and spring into action. I made statements like, “At your age, you should be…” “Well, I’m not having any babies if…” For some reason, I thought this would convey what I saw and somehow steer him in the “right” direction. To be honest, it did much worse. In my efforts to prove to him that I was right, I came off as unhappy, full of regret, and disrespectful. Yep, that was me, folks.

All the pushing did lead to him finding a new job that paid him much more than what he was being paid prior, but things had changed between us. I had proven to be a fair-weather wife, I guess. I only had positive things to say when the going was going my way. Yikes!

It’s interesting how things work though. After a few months, the rug was pulled out from under me. The high horse I rode on was plowed down by a steam roller that had caught it by its rear hooves and slowly brought it down. I was laid off unexpectedly after four years. Boy was I embarrassed. How was I going to go home and tell the man I had belittled for a little over a year, in the name of bettering him, that I was without a job? How embarrassing, right?

Funny thing is that same man took me in his arms. He didn’t judge me or turn and yell, “Yes! In your face!” Rather, as I wept, he pulled me close and assured me things were going to be just fine. Yes, the breadwinner, the lone horsewoman, had fallen; I had lost. Interestingly enough, it was the one person I mistreated that dusted me off and gave me hope.  

I'll Do Better, I Promise

So, before you throw stones at me, please hear me out. Long before motherhood, I judged some moms I saw and read about, and boy did I judge them! After all, how could a loving mother allow her baby to “cry it out” at night? She should take the baby in her arms, sit in a rocking chair, and just gaze at the baby, enjoying every beautiful moment, taking it in. How could a mom be so hard on one particular child out of her many, regardless of how he or she behaved? That child would surely be scarred for life.

Well, I’m a mom of three amazing, beautiful children, but I’ll tell you, from Baby #1 to #3, we practiced the cry it out method. We were two working parents who required as much sleep as we could get, in order to be able to function as employees, parents, and just mere human beings. By week 5, our first child was sleeping through the night (thank God for “Babywise”). By week 10, our second child was sleeping through the night. Our daughter was a little more challenging, because we were not as strict as we had been with the boys, but by 5 months, she was sleeping through the night. All of them slept in their own rooms by month 6, in toddler beds within 30 days of turning one year old, and the story goes on.

What to do I think of our parenting style? I don’t know. Maybe we’re too regimented? Does it work for us though? Yes. Regardless of what happens, even until today, our children are very familiar with our daily schedule. In order for them to be effective in life, we believe that they need to understand that there is a time and place for everything. You can’t play with your Legos during lunchtime. Shower time is for showers, not reading or art.  Are we too rigid? I don’t know…maybe?

Where I leave the straight path is when I’m running errands. Here’s where I beg not to be crucified. One thing I dislike is having to wake sleeping children in a car.  So…once upon a time, if my children were sleeping in the car and I had to pick up pictures at Walgreens, I’d put the windows down enough for air circulation and lock them inside. I figured, it kept the boogie man and pervs from getting away with my children and from having whiny, upset children in tow.

I was that mom who would leave her children in the car in the school parking lot to go pick up my eldest son, so that my other two children could finish eating their snacks uninterrupted and without trying to pick up every cigarette butt or water bottle cover along the way. I really thought I was being a good mom and doing others a favor by not dragging my children around kicking and screaming.

Why would I ever think doing that was okay? Err…well, from my upbringing. There were five of us. There was NO way my parents were going to gather all of us for a quick trip into Smitty’s for the advertised chicken breasts from the Arizona Republic. They would put me in charge, if the other wasn’t there, and I would watch my siblings in the car or van as early as seven years old, if not younger. I was deemed responsible. Back then though, that was okay, or so we all thought.

Now, we have people who prey on children and are just waiting for you as a parent to slip up. There are the overzealous good Samaritans and those with chips on their shoulders who could care less for your reasoning and you as a parent. They would rather get the law involved and ruin lives. However, in some cases, these unsolicited watchdogs do help save lives, so don’t get me wrong; I’ve considered both sides.

I don’t think any parent ever intentionally leaves their child(ren) in a car with the thought that they may leave them there long enough for it to harm them. BUT, sadly, it has and does occur. For this reason, I promise to do better. I promise to be more mindful of my children’s safety, the times we’re living in, and the fact that I’m not perfect or beyond making mistakes that could harm my children.

Mothers Arrested for Leaving Children in Cars (no deaths)

Father Forgets Son in Car