2017 has been an interesting year, to say the least. There
have been some tough losses followed by hot tears, love’s been birthed, reunions
have taken place, great laughs have been shared, and difficult decisions have
been made. All in all, life is full of ups and downs, and in order to grow, we
must go through the hills and valleys of life; otherwise, we remain stagnant
and never really get to know what we’re made of.
Sitting here less than two weeks from 2018, I, for one, am
sobered by what I’ve learned about myself this year. I’ve been impressed by the
growth I’ve made, in some areas of my life. I’ve stretched myself and done
things I’ve only dreamt of doing and achieving. In that, I’ve learned to trust
my dreams and goals with others who believe in me. Those who kept me on track
and made sure that even when I spoke in fear or doubt, I caught myself, didn’t
give up and kept going. I can’t even utter words that would adequately convey
the appreciation I have for these few but dear ones.
Then I remember those moments where I sat in my closet, in
the dark, where I cried out of desperation and hopelessness, wanting an answer
from God. In those moments, I felt alone, forgotten, and like I was a “sinner
in the hands of an angry God”. I felt the thorns, purging me of my weaknesses,
bitterness, and impure heart. I felt the pain of birthing the wrongs I’d done,
seeing them face-to-face and not recognizing myself afterward. I’ve been down
to my last, felt punched in the stomach, but lifted back up by His everlasting
and loving arms.
This year, I’ve looked in the eyes of my children and
experienced the love Christ must have for us when we’re hurt, have lied, or are
feeling extreme pain as a result of a decision we made even after being advised
to be careful. I’ve had to be the disciplinarian, hard as it has been in many
situations, to ensure they think twice before repeating the painful actions. I’ve
held them close, because they’ve been broken by things I may find trivial but they
feel will end their world. I’ve watched as they’ve lied right to my face
without them realizing I was right there watching from a distance the entire
time and just wish they’d be straight up with me. As a human, can I truly say I
know the heart and mind of God? Definitely not, but I’ve had a glimpse of it
and tasted a bit of it. Gosh, how His heart must ache and long for us.
I’m leaving 2017 with a better understanding of who and Whose
I am and trusting God that the ugly parts of me remain here. My daily
reflections will continue, because in order to become better, we must be
truthful with ourselves and truly want to be better. I bid farewell to 2017
with a slight longing but ready for a fresh and beautiful start where I don’t
snip off my wings, fear jumping, or doubt myself and the things that have been
put in my heart to affect lives.
