Going up Heaven

A few weeks ago, I heard my three children talking in the back of our van about heaven, and I was quite amused. They talked about what they will do when they get there, what kind of people will be there, and then various topics regarding heaven arose. One child was certain that there will be no candy in heaven; another was positive that we will eat rice and “all the stuff we eat here” in heaven. However, one could care less about the food and wanted to know what we will do when we get there.

One child was sure that heaven will be a constant dance party, while another was certain that we will be “singing to God about how holy He is and a lot of hallelujah songs”. One of the boys agreed with both and said, “I’m pretty sure we’ll just dance, sing, and eat all the time in heaven, right, Mommy?”

I was totally at a loss for words, just enjoying the conversation from the driver’s seat. “Ummm…yah, I guess. I’m not sure how much eating we’ll be doing, but I know there’ll be a lot of singing,” I replied.Then, as if I had clarified things, they changed the subject.

A few days later, all my daughter could talk about was heaven and her issue with prayer. It really began to concern me. I’m all for children and their curiosity about just about anything, but hers of late has been freaking me out.

In her prayers, she asks Jesus to “take me up heaven, so I can see You.”  She randomly makes comments like, “I want to go up heaven. I don’t want to pray to Jesus. I just want to see Him and talk to Him in front of me.”

On Thursday morning, on our drive to school, she decided to pray, and her prayer was a continuous plead: “…and Jesus, I want to see you. Please take me up heaven…”

As her mother, I was sad, and I explained to her that if she went to heaven, I wouldn’t be able to tuck her in anymore, or give her kisses, or do her hair. She smiled and said, “That’s okay, Mommy. I will be up heaven with Jesus, and we will talk and dance and sing together. That will make you happy even if I’m not here with you. I’ll get to see Jesus, and He will talk to me with His mouth, and I will hear Him!”

Although that should probably have made me smile or have a peace, knowing my daughter is looking forward to seeing God in all His glory, but I realized how unprepared I am. It made me think deeply about how little I think about heaven, or actually leaving this Earth. I guess it’s something I should think about more often. After all, my brother recounted how a patient came to the hospital he worked in this week about a back pain and ended up passing away that evening. Our next breath isn't even guaranteed.

As much as heaven is where I want to go, I guess I’m just not ready…but who ever is? I have children, a husband, dreams,  and so much I want to accomplish. I feel I have talents I have not fully explored. Does this make me a bad person? I feel I have so much left to give, explore, and learn before I reach the other side. Albeit, I’m learning to live as fully as I can each day, which is a bit difficult for me. We’re not promised tomorrow, so heaven has to be near our hearts daily. We have to live our best lives on a daily basis. This is my challenge to myself, so when I “go up heaven,” I can know I did all I possibly could to leave Earth a little better than when I arrived.

I Am A Chicken

The last few weeks have been rough for me. Although my baby is preparing to start school in the fall and I’m excited, I’m also pretty anxious. I’ve been out of the workforce for about four years now, and I feel inept. It’s been a while since I’ve had to be given direction or expected to do something I may not be fully thrilled about but getting paid to do it. It’s been a while since I’ve had somewhere I’ve HAD to be more than once a week with people seriously counting on me and my feedback or insight.

For the past four years, I’ve been my own boss. I have been the Director of Communications, Director of Management, Director of Finance, Executive Director…I mean, I’m not sure how well I’ll fair being under the rules and regulations of another human being again. Someone is probably going to expect me to be at a desk for more than six hours a day, staring at a computer the majority of the day, and occasionally even communicate with people I don’t know and may not like. What’s worse is that they just may want me to leave my babies for the first time ever overnight on business trips. 

I’ve been psyching myself up since the beginning of this year, and honestly, it’s not working. I submitted an application the other day for a job that was not quite my best. I was so rusty on resume building and at a loss for words for my cover letter, so I omitted it. It would literally take an act of God and have to be God’s divine will for me to receive some sort of positive contact from the hiring manager.

Funnily, I just got off the phone with a dear friend whose dream I was in last night. Out of curiosity, I pushed and pushed for details, only to find that in the dream this friend had, we were talking and after a few minutes, I turned into a chicken once we arrived at our destination.  Apparently, we were both excited, as we hadn’t seen each other in a while, but I guess at some point, when we were to enter the building we were in front of, I literally chickened out. Just before my ‘transformation’, per my friend, I had gone from speaking confidently to being nervous once we got there.

“So…,” I asked my friend as the voice silenced on the other end of the phone, “did I eventually go inside? Did I eventually turn back into myself?”

According to my friend, that’s the moment that reality came to be and the dream ended due to the dawn of day. Disappointed, I’ve been pondering what this could possibly mean. Could it be that this dream speaks directly to me and my cold feet about returning to the workforce? If I remained a chicken, is that some sort of nudge to man up and move forward? If I returned to my normal form, does that mean I’m going to find my inner confidence, step out, and succeed?

All my friend responded was, “Now that the secret’s out that you’re afraid, you have to overcome it. You’re a chicken, so stop being a chicken and do something about it.”

I’ll admit, that’s easier said than done. Yes, I, Esther Zufelt, am a chicken, but I don’t intend on being one for much longer.

No Substitute

So many times, as humans, we strive and exhaust ourselves in an attempt to fill a void we may or may not realize we’re desperately trying to fill. Some of us work tirelessly, whether in our homes or in our places of employment, trying our best to prove ourselves/worth/value. If they could just see how hard we’re working or see our sacrifices, they’ll understand how much we truly want or deserve this (promotion, approval, appreciation).

Others try to fill their void with pornography, being drunks, doing drugs, gambling, etc. to the extent of losing their spouses or pushing those closest to them further and further away. Often, if you sit with someone who is running, as I believe they are, you’ll find one profound thing...they lack self-worth or feel they are unworthy of love. They often believe if they escape, they are only affecting themselves, and they aren’t hurting anyone else. They can’t see the hurt those around them truly feel as a result of their attempts to fill the void in their heart.

So many times, we try to substitute one not-so-great thing in our lives for another. Often, these are epic fails. We all have voids we’re trying to fill. The work, food, abusive relationships, even religion, whatever it is is better than nothing, right? Wrong. A lack of relationship is what it is.

I’m a lover of music, so all I have to say, I’ll do so with songs that say all that I would. 

Seashells by the Seashore

My family and I went to the beach today, and before we left home, my sister had requested seashells from each of our children.  Each promised to bring her some.

Initially,  they were excited, and that was their goal. However,  as each wave came, they lost interest in the task at hand and chased, or ran away from, the water. They were just having a good time, and who could blame them? The weather was beautiful, and they were having a blast.

My daughter then started randomly picking up shells,  so I joined her. I noticed she was picking up any and all shells, while I was much more selective.

"Mama, how come you don't like those ones? Why do you keep throwing them back?"

"Oh, I don't like them. They're pretty, but they're broken. I don't want any broken seashells."

"Why not? This one is broken, but see how pretty it is right here? I'm keeping it!"

I shook my head and smiled.  "Poor little girl, " I thought, "she doesn't know how much better and presentable these are."

Several hours later, as we laid our shells side-by-side, I realized how right she was. Although the majority of hers were broken, they were pretty and unique. In that moment,  I appreciated my friends all the more. Regardless of my flaws and idiosyncrasies, they love me and value me.

If everytime I was down or broken,  they left me by the wayside, rather than lift me up and speak life into me, I wouldn't be who I am. Same thing goes for Jesus, my Savior. If He looked at me and all my brokenness and didn't love me for who/what I was and could be, He may not have given His life for me.

He sees me,  with all my yuckiness,  nasty attitudes,  etc and still embraces me with love. Tomorrow is Easter, and we focus on a bunny,  some eggs, and our best outfits. The thing is the resurrection is significant of more than just one day; it signifies newness of life, hope, and a beauty beyond comprehension, and that's something to be aware of, consider, and be thankful for on a daily basis.