No Man Is an Island

It’s so interesting how we human beings get so involved with ourselves and what’s going on in our daily lives that we lose sight of those around us. We have close friends, some family, and co-workers we hear from, see, or run into on a fairly consistent basis, yet, we tend to have surface conversations. A “hey, how are you?” “What’s up?” Or, “Hope things are going well” are met with such responses as “good”,  “not much”, or  “yes”. Many of us are much too busy to take the time to probe further, to ensure things truly are okay with those around us.

We walk around each day, passing by individuals with open wounds that they alone can feel and see. As we approach, they cover them up with smiles that serve as bandages, or they look the other way. In our haste and/or absorption with our own worries we wave, smile back, or sometimes don’t even notice or acknowledge them.

I’ve been guilty of the above. I have errands to run, projects I need to complete, and even worries I ponder over continuously. I’ve been that person who sees someone who is probably having a bad day and just avoids his or her eyes; after all, what can I really do? Nothing, right?

Well, a few weeks ago, I took a second. I smiled at a lady smoking next to a store I was going into, and she smiled back. I said, “Have a nice day,” and she muttered, “Sure, I guess.” I was so tempted to move along, but I lingered a few minutes, only to find out one of her parents had passed, the other was sick, and she had just lost her job. She was having not just a bad day but a horrible month. I did my best to encourage her. After I left, I wondered if I’d made a difference at all.

I recently met with a friend I’ve known for over five years.  I thought that, as usual, we were just going to have lunch and have some light conversation and talk about meeting up again before the end of the year. From the moment I sat down, I noticed a difference in my friend. I thought it was a deep sadness, and it scared me a bit. We’d sat across from one another several times. How could I have missed it? We’d had conversations in person and texted back and forth a lot. This time, unlike most others, our conversation was a lot less surface-like, which was nice, but I felt that we weren’t addressing something.

After we parted, I was unable to rest, knowing something was off. A few days later, I finally got the courage to share my concern with my friend, only to be told about the loneliness being felt. I was saddened to think that someone I know and call a friend could possibly feel alone. 

In a world full of millions of human bodies, one would think that everyone has at least someone they can talk to or confide in, but I’m finding that’s not the case. There are many people out there who would appreciate a non-rhetorical, sincere, “How are you?” Take a second or even a minute to wait for their response. Make someone genuinely feel cared for. We all have our own agendas and lives to live, but we were not put on Earth to solely serve our own purposes. No man or woman is an island. We need each other. 

You Deserve a Moment

My name is Esther, and a few years ago, I lost myself. I lost myself to my family. I put aside the things I dreamt of and always wanted to be and do to dive into my role as a mother and wife. Every waking moment was about my children and husband. I felt bad if I did anything I was interested in or enjoyed. I felt I could be doing something for the family, whether it was cleaning the house, putting school lunches together, or fussing over what everyone would like for dinner. I thought my life had to completely evolve around my family since I was a stay-at-home mom/housewife. It was like I was trying to prove that I was indeed doing something, like trying hard to earn my keep.

As time goes on, I’m realizing life doesn’t have to be so difficult. My role as a mother and a wife is great and all, but I need to appreciate and embrace who I am as an individual.

I believe that as mothers, many of us lose ourselves in our role. We fully immerse ourselves in motherhood. Most of our conversation with our spouses and friends are about our children: what they’re doing or saying, etc. We share the  things we did/do with our children, share their pictures, etc. From my perspective, that gets old fast, and people get tired of hearing about and seeing pictures of your children, unless they’re family.

I believe moms should step outside the box of motherhood for moments during each day. If it’s getting up early to enjoy a good book with soft music in the background over a cup of coffee or tea and Biscotti in a spare room or den, or staying up about an hour or two after the children go to bed to try a new craft or experiment with DIYing: candles, body butter, body scrubs, etc, it’s all good. Enjoy the silence. Enjoy your time.

Turn off the TV, light some candles, put your hair up, grab a towel, fill your tub with lots of bubbles, slip in, and reflect. You’re a mom, and you deserve a break. You deserve some time to yourself.

If you’re willing, plan at least one day a month to spend with a friend, different friends, or a group of friends, and agree not to talk about the children as individuals. Make it all about yourselves. Talk about your hopes, your dreams, things you’re learning about yourself (even if because of your children). We are women, individuals first, and we shouldn’t feel guilty to take a moment, or even a few, to enjoy the people individuals we are. 

Stop Calling Me a Prisoner

A few friends of mine and I have been pretty diligent about our mall walks one of our friends organized a little earlier this Summer.  Three days a week, we do our best to arrive between 8 am and 10 am to get in as many minutes, or miles, as we can. It’s been fun, and been a great idea, being that with the Phoenix heat, it’s almost impossible to get and remain motivated to work out at all.

Over the last several weeks, I’ve been very observant, watching others as we pass them, or they pass us by. It’s been interesting to watch their smiles turn into frowns or frowns turn to smiles. Mind you, it’s a family walk, but mainly mommies participate, and most of us come with children in tow. We are of various backgrounds – African and a mix of races, especially our children.

As my sister and I walk by, we get surprised smiles, stares, and even the occasional glare. We are fairly dark-skinned, especially my sister. I’m a creamy blend of mocha and carmel myself, so when the elderly, which is the majority of the walking folks that early in the morning, get a glimpse of either of us and her daughter or my children, the responses are fun, and I get a kick out of all of them.

Today though, there was a rather interesting lady. She and a little boy, who I can’t but assume was her grandson, were walking in the opposite direction of my daughter and I before my sister and friend joined us. I greeted them, as I often try to do with passers-by, but unlike most, she scowled and grabbed the little boy, hastening her pace.

I was a tad upset, as my daughter had waved at the little boy, but he was not given an opportunity to respond. I began making up a story in my mind about her, as I tend to do from time-to-time, as a woman of reason. Funnily, we passed her once again, and being that I tried to convince myself that she had not heard me the first time, I smiled at her. Yet again, my gesture was met with a scowl, and she looked in the opposite direction.

While I hate to bring up the race card, I will, because I’ve noticed that even though we live in a very diverse world, there are still many close-minded individuals. They still hold onto ideologies and beliefs of the past and have them spill into the lives of their innocent children and grandchildren.

I’ve witnessed elderly couples change sides of the store they are walking on because of us. I’ve seen individuals smile at other loud and unruly children in a store, yet, when my children pass by much more quiet and wave or say, “hi”, they are obviously ignored or glared at.

My daughter is unfortunately very sensitive to this and asks, “Why didn’t they say “hi” to us? We said “hi” to them.” I’m not sure I answer in the best way, but my response is usually, “Not everyone is nice. Just keep saying “hi” to people though; it’ll make someone smile.”

While mulling over this morning’s experience, I realized that it’s not just when it comes to race that we hold others captive based on our beliefs or ideologies. As humans, we tend to judge people in general, even if simply based on our past experiences, what others have told us, or what we deem right or wrong. We make prisoners of those around us, resulting in insecurities, loss of freedoms, and often depression.

"Our modern society is engaged in polishing and decorating the cage in which man is kept imprisoned." - Swami Nirmalananda