Say That You Love Me

Correct me if I’m wrong, but no one who is truly in love and heading toward marriage plans for divorce. I’m a firm believer in marriage being forever, or as long as the spouses live. I just believe a bond, or such an institution based on love, shouldn’t be easily destroyed.

I honestly don’t believe anyone deserves a bad marriage. No woman looks forward to hearing that her husband has been leading a double life. Neither does a man leap for joy when he hears his wife has been taking advantage of her day off doing extracurricular activities with someone other than himself.

It’s so unfortunate that some people enter marriage blindly. Some people believe that any problems they had prior to marriage will disappear once they are married, at which point love will dissolve their differences and happily ever after awaits. The truth is if the signs are there, one HAS to proceed with caution. Who jumps into a raging fire to reach their destination, when he or she has the option of slowly maneuvering the outskirts of a forest in order to reach that same destination? That’s what jumping into marriage with big issues on the table can be likened to, because there is time to be utilized, to see if issues can be addressed and compromises made. Otherwise, jumping into a sinking ship is what both parties are doing or have done, and they have done so with their eyes wide open.

On the other hand, some issues develop years into the marriage, when things are no longer laced in the beauty and freshness of the honeymoon period. A wandering eye develops, a well-hidden secret surfaces, curiosity grows, or one or both parties “just ain’t feelin’ it”. In most cases, that’s when counseling is sought, and if both individuals are not on the same page about saving the relationship, very little can be done to salvage it.

My concern has always been for the husband or wife who gives his/her all to ensure the marriage works out, making sacrifice after sacrifice to keep the union strong. The other seems to be in his or her own world of self-gratification, often despising the other for the efforts made, as he or she sees the spouse as holding him/her back from happiness. I’m sure this one-sided love hurts. More than anything, the person willing for the marriage to work is alone in this state of limbo. For the one who wishes forever will last, while the other pursues other things or relationships, the knife is only dug deeper day in and day out. How does one explain the thought that at one point in time, his or her spouse was once supposedly head-over-heels in love, to the point of committing his or her dreams and life to the other?

It baffles me time and again when I hear of men and women who have been married for years claim “irreconcilable differences”. What does that mean? Someone in that relationship had to want to keep it going, right? Like I’ve said, I hurt for the spouse who has poured his or her heart and life into the other , only to have it trampled upon like it’s nothing. I can only imagine that individual wondering what went wrong, stressing, crying, blaming him/herself for something that seldom has anything to do with them. Sometimes, the erring spouse has a “come to Jesus moment” and with eyes as if newly opened, sees the love and dedication to the marriage the other has shown and falls in love all over again. Yes, that may not be the case most times, but it does occur.

For those working hard, toiling to ensure your marriage works, don’t give up. There is hope. Do all you can, and when you’ve done it all, just rest in knowing you have. True love can’t be crushed or quenched (1 Corinthians 13: 4 – 8).  You may choose to listen to “Unchained Melody” to get you through this time, but I suggest this song, this one, or this instead.  

What They Hear

On Sunday, a couple of friends and I were talking about how we deal with panhandlers. We were in the children’s Sunday School class after service, and it was just a random conversation. Each of us shared our experiences, ranging from the fulfillment of helping someone in need to finding out that the individual being given money by passers- by actually had a nice vehicle parked a few streets down or was offered work and refused it.

The children were a safe distance in front of us, totally engrossed in the episode of Veggie Tales they were watching. Our conversation lasted maybe fifteen minutes, and we laughed it off and went our separate ways with our children.

Then, the next day, on our way home, a young man holding a small sign was racing across the street to catch the next wave of cars. One of my boys yelled out, “Mommy, what is wrong with him?!? What is he doing? He’s going to get hit by a car!”

I assured him the young man probably knew what he was doing and would be fine. I tried to explain that he was seeking assistance and was hoping those passing by would help him. Apparently not very happy with my response, he hissed loudly and said that was mean of him. He said, “He should know better and not be asking people for money!” I tried to explain that he was probably hungry and had no place to call home.

They were actually pretty ruthless. They mentioned how he should get a job, get off the street, and if he didn’t have any money, he could “live with his mom… go to his dad’s house… go to his grandma’s house, or live in a tent”. They tried to convince me not to give him any money like I had an older gentleman the previous week. That situation had led to several questions, such as “Why are you giving him money?”  And “Oh, you owe him money?”

They continued with “Jesus would be so mad at him, because he’s stealing.” Even when I reminded them that stealing is taking something from someone without their permission, they weren’t convinced. They stated that he was stealing, because “He’s begging people for money he doesn’t need. He probably has his own. He should say sorry to everyone, Mommy, and give them back their money.”

I was very perplexed by this and slightly embarrassed. I figured that over time, conversations between myself and others had somehow reached their ears unknowingly, or I was doing a poor job teaching them to be compassionate toward others. They are big on giving to other children “who don’t have any toys or clothes”, but for some reason, they do not understand the concept of adults being unable to care for themselves. The idea just doesn’t make any sense to them.

I took two things away from that conversation:

1.       Teach them more about how/why some don’t have and expose them a bit more

2.       Even when we think they are occupied and not listening, they very well may be taking in some of what we’re saying with their limited comprehension.

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Lately, it’s been interesting to me how when I’m struggling, I call or text a friend who’s been through what I’m going through or in a similar situation. I don’t seek the individual for solace, per se; it’s just natural, I think. I don’t really seek out individuals who I feel “have it good” or “couldn’t possibly relate”. I kind of just stick to those I feel may be more gentle or understanding of my situation without trying to tell me how to fix it right then and there.

The reason this is interesting is that when I was single, I often felt alone. I had difficulty trusting people, which strengthened my relationship with Christ. He was my all. I spoke to Him like He was right there, in the same room with me. I didn’t have to take off my shoes, prepare myself mentally, throw on a hat or scarf, or kneel with clasped hands to approach Him…I just did.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t just randomly yell out, “Yo, Jesus, what it do, mehn?” No, it wasn’t anything like that.  I think it was just me, sitting in a room, content in my aloneness as I conversed, it felt, with the all-Supreme God. Fast forward ten or so years, things changed. My husband became the one I turned to when I was out-of-sorts or feeling alone. Then, he got busy with work and school, and so as not to be inconsiderate, whiny, or selfish, I held it all inside. At a point, it became unbearable.

Have you ever felt all alone while surrounded by a number of people? It makes absolutely no sense to you or anyone else, but in the deepest part of you, that’s simply how you feel. The loneliness torments in a way. You could be in a room of people and in your mind, you’re saying, “If only they knew…if only they could grasp how much I long for a real relationship. Forget the TV, the movies, the small talk… let’s just be real.”

Of late, I’ve realized that I need to go back to what worked so many years ago…no pretense, just a true relationship with the God Whom I revere and appreciate for loving me despite how many times I fall and He picks me back up. The contents of my heart, He alone knows. He understands why I am the way I am. He knows why certain things make me tick. In awe and gratitude, I’m slowly returning to that place of completeness, contentment, and joy even in the roughest of storms.

Our dad used to say something to my siblings and I when we were growing up:

“God doesn’t have any grandchildren. The relationship I have with Him, you can have, too. You need to know Him for yourself.”

 I’ve never forgotten that, and each day, I realize just how profound that statement truly is. If we don’t know Him for ourselves, we feel apprehensive about approaching Him, because He’s a distant father-figure we simply can’t comprehend. However, if we get close to Him and get to know Him for ourselves, our relationship with Him becomes personal, like the one we have with our closest parent, which we know is unlike anyone else’s.

My mom told us a story once, when we were in our teens. There was a gentleman whom everyone considered a Christian. I believe he was a teacher. He appeared to walk the walk and talk the talk, but one day, if I recall the story correctly, he was in a car or plane with several people, and it seemed an accident or crash was inevitable. People around him were crying, calling out for whatever or whomever they believed could save them. Several individuals cried out, “Jesus”, but a piercing scream came from  the gentleman who shouted, “Sopona!”

Even to this today, that story still amazes me. It’s not what we say or do that matters. When push comes to shove, when we’re at a crossroad, it’s what’s in our heart that will come out. So, in the most dire of situations, when you find out someone you love dearly has an incurable disease, you’re going bankrupt, or life just isn’t full of the roses you had anticipated…who ya gonna call?

You're Enough

Women are inundated with so much garbage on a daily basis. I know I’ve touched on this before, but it’s a problem that will exist, possibly forever.  It just breaks my heart that so many women, both single and married, whether they are mothers or not, suffer so much due to their images of what their bodies should look like. Women with curves long for more svelte figures, while women with svelte figures continue to work hard to maintain their figures or lose more weight to be closer to a size zero.

The things we can’t fix with our bodies, we grudgingly try to embrace, or in many cases, we just give up trying. Whether it’s dyeing our hair, wearing heels that kill our feet to get that perfect arch, wearing excessive make-up, or seeking out the closest thing we can to Spanx, we do our best to cover up our flaws, or at least get the attention off them. We can’t really stand the woman we see in the mirror, so we mask her however we feel best, trying hard not to lose ourselves in the process.

I’m not big on rap in general, but recently, I heard a song in passing that caught my attention. I googled the lyrics, then youtubed it. The lyrics that did it for me were: 

No need to fix what God already put his paint brush on…

So all you see is all you’re lacking…

What’s real it’s something that the eyes can’t see that hands can’t touch…and that’s you. 

(“Crooked Smile” by J. Cole)

Whether you’re a fourth trimester mom or working hard to achieve the figures of the ladies on the US Body Issue, you have to remember, to be or remain attractive to anyone, including yourself, you have to be content with the woman you are. If you’re unhealthily overweight, check your diet, move around some more. If you’re underweight, seek help to get to a healthy you. If you’re in-between and unhappy, tone what you’ve got.

The man who is dissatisfied with what you look like doesn’t deserve you. If he cannot see past the exterior that can be changed by support, love, patience, and hard work, he isn’t for you.  Keep in mind: no matter where you are on your body journey, the beauty you are, in whatever shape or size you come in…you’re enough.

The School of Gimme

Growing up, our parents weren’t much into celebrations. For our birthdays, we weren’t guaranteed even one gift, but we knew it was a special day. We celebrated milestone birthdays minimally, and we never thought much of it. As siblings, as we got older, we were into random gift-giving. We didn’t wait until birthdays or Christmas to give gifts. We became great observers and listeners. If one of us mentioned something we liked or wanted, we’d take a mental note of it and surprise him/her with it at some point in time. None of us ever expected anything, so every gift was appreciated and a pleasant surprise.  

As an individual, I struggle with not really putting much thought or effort into what society considers important days we must celebrate. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and even birthdays are still pretty tough for me. I really like surprising people with gifts, when I can afford to do so. It seems to mean so much more, but then that’s just in my opinion.

As a mom though, I’m finding that even though I still feel quite strongly about my children earning things and not getting so used to expecting things from my husband or I, or other people, something just isn’t right. They have become accustomed to going places and getting things or looking forward to their birthdays and Christmas only so they can get things. Don’t get me wrong…I guess that’s okay, but for me, it takes the fun out of it all.

For instance, we went to a birthday party a few months ago. On the way there, my children were extremely excited. They talked about how they would play, etc. when they got there. The entire time they were there, they seemed to have a blast. They were all over the place, laughing and playing and truly having a great time. As soon as I told them it was time to leave, the smiles faded and they were each looking around like they had lost something. After I eventually got them in the car, I asked them if they had fun, and one of them said, “No”. When I asked why, the reply I received was, “We didn’t get party bags.”

I did my best to explain that the party in itself was the favor. They had great food, fun with friends, and played a lot of fun games. They were not in the least bit convinced. I was beyond upset and sad. They had the mindset a birthday party could only be assessed as a good time if they received something, even if they themselves did not come in with a gift.

Since they were born, my sister would bring each of my children a surprise at almost every visit, so after some time, they would run to the door when they knew it was her. One would think they would be excited that she had stopped by, but one child in particular began asking, before she even stepped in or any greetings were exchanged, “What did you brought us?” After that occurred twice, we requested that she begin visiting empty-handed. The next time she visited, said child turned and walked away when he found that she brought nothing. This was unacceptable and my husband and I firmly addressed it.  I was shocked that any of my children would associate a visit from my sister or mother-in-law as a time to receive and would otherwise ignore either due to being disappointed. This was a few years ago, but it still bothers me.

Now that two of my three children are in school, it seems the pressure has increased. They hear their classmates get treats for behaving when they go out and get huge gifts for their birthdays and/or Christmas, so they feel they should expect the same as well. All of a sudden, the make statements or ask questions like:

          “(So and so) doesn’t like me: (he/she) didn’t give me anything for my birthday.”

          “Mommy, I ate all my food. Can I get a treat now?”

          “Mommy, we were good listeners at the store. What do we get?”

          “Mommy, was I good at (so and so)’s house? What do I get?”

                                                                                                                                                           

I  offer no apologies for being a tough mom. I see a lot of children around that I have no interest in my children imitating. They have bad attitudes and their parents feel the need to bribe them in order for them to follow instructions. I’m so not about that. The new school of gimme is not my thing, and I refuse to lose my children’s respect and give them control in our household. My parents’ way of doing things may have been far from the norm, but I think my husband and I may have to rethink certain things. We want our children to be useful to society and enjoy giving, not simply believe they are entitled to things. We will continue to make changes as we see fit, but we want our children to appreciate everything they receive, and that’s very important to us. 

Wreck This Place

So many times in my life, I’ve been stuck in a rut. It seems like a cycle in which I feel hopeless in my situation. On the outside, I attempt to present a strong front and encourage others, while on the inside, I’m in major turmoil, struggling to simply maintain. Each day is a battle to overcome what could potentially lead to depression, knowing that would in no way benefit myself or my family.

During these times of utter devastation, in which my cries to God seem like they must fall on His ears as whispers, I dig deep. I muster up strength from within to get out of bed each morning and focus on my children, the little blessings God has given me. I stir up the little faith I have left in the form of praise. I recall all the times God has been faithful and the wonderful things He has done up until now in my life.

You know, it’s so easy to get stuck, content with rehashing our fears and worries. We share them, in hope of someone else being able to relate. We never want to be alone in our struggle. We don’t want to feel like we’re the only one that feels desolate while things seemingly are looking up for everyone else around us. We want to know that at least someone else out there in our “circle of trust” understands our situation and is willing to simply listen to us when we’re down. We want that person to allow us to air our grievances, then be there to wipe our tears and render words of encouragement. We in no way are seeking someone who will wallow with us in this state of misery. A listening ear, a caring heart, and a few wise words go a long way.

When I’m alone and all there is God and I, sometimes the fortified dam breaks. My eyes brim with tears, and in the stillness and quiet of it all, I cry out, whether in song or in my own words. Once I let out just how overwhelmed I feel, I can’t help but ask God to wreck me, this dust that I am. So many times, He picks me up and carries me, but in my trials, those tough moments, I seem to forget how good things truly are. The insignificant things I’ve held high and allowed to get me down seem like mere pebbles in comparison to the mountains I’ve surmounted with His help.

Tonight, I can’t help but keep the song “Wreck This Place” by Presence Chasers on repeat. The lyrics so simply and beautifully penned fill me with euphoria as I consider David’s words in Psalm 139: 1 – 12. Sleep will find me with a smile on my face tonight, because I’ve been wrecked to pieces knowing it is well.

Shabby Mommy

Ever know a sexy lady who was with it in every way possible? A woman who stood up in the middle of a meeting, clothes pressed and well-put together and you knew whatever she had to say had to be noted? I’m not a talking about a homegirl who you could possibly run into at Walmart with curlers in her hair and still in her PJs. I’m referring to the woman you walked by at Costco or somewhere during your leisure walk through the mall that there was no disputing by the stride in her step that she was purpose-driven and meant business.

These women are all around us. Some juggle multiple jobs. Some care for their elderly parents. Others have the weight of the stress their work puts on them to bare. Often, there’s no leaving the work at the office for them, as there is little or no demarcation between home and work life, as they strive toward success.

Well, I’m not any of these women. I think somewhere between my first baby bump and my layoff in 2011, I lost her…myself. I went from believing I had dreams worth working toward to focusing solely on my children. I went from chic to drab. It was a gradual transition and definitely not intentional. Something in me switched off several years ago, and it just changed how I viewed myself and my life. Silly as it may sound, I think it started when I got a NY&Co coupon in the mail that I used to look forward to every few months.  Rather than search for my purse and tuck it in-between my debit cards, I set it aside on the kitchen bar. Nah, I think it may have started before that, because there was a time, short as it may have been, when I never used to rely on coupons to shop, as my good friend, P, knows.

Honestly, I’m not sure when exactly this decline occurred, but it has. You can find me in a five-year-old blouse, pants I salvaged from my sister’s donation pile, and eight-year-old black flip flops from Old Navy on almost any given day a few weeks ago. It wasn’t until I received an e-mail from my very concerned sister about two weeks ago that I really took a good look at myself. Her candid thoughts about me depriving myself of good things since becoming a mother made me re-evaluate myself and why I made the decisions I did.

If I wanted or needed something, I’d log it on my phone in my ‘I Want/Need’ S Memo. The only problem was that when the opportunity arose, for example, gift cards or cash given for my birthday, Christmas, or Mother’s Day, I would use them to pay bills or buy the children things. I didn’t truly realize, until that e-mail, how much I’d conditioned myself to believe I didn’t really need or deserve a lot of things, because as a mother,  I needed to deny myself good things for the benefit of my children.

Since then, and after a few conversations with some godly friends of mine, E and F, I’ve decided to purposely put my needs first, especially when gifted things. I’m still working on this, as I struggle to accept and believe that I really do deserve good things. I have to allow myself to feel appreciated. So, I’m going to finally get the heels I want and upgrade my closet a bit. Don’t get it twisted though…I’m still going to look for online deals and look out for my NY&Co coupons, because this shabby to chic mom is all about saving a buck when she can and will be purposely pursuing her dreams here on out!