Oh, But It Can Fizzle So Quickly

When I was in my early 20’s I couldn’t wait to get married. I envisioned an outdoor wedding, either surrounded by a body of water or lots of greenery. I wanted something memorable. I wanted the food to be amazing, the music to be great, the MC to be funny, the DJ to be on top of the music, my dress to be simple but elegant, and to be able to dance the night away. Ahhh…that day had been planned in my mind for years, and it kind of went down like that. The only problem is that beyond that, all I had in mind was a fairy tale. Marriage would solve everything, after all, I’d no longer be alone, and I’d be part of a forever team.

Also, in my mind, I had imagined being pregnant sometime within the first two years, after we spent the first year travelling, finding out more about each other, and determining exactly where we’d like to live. We would both work, come home and cook together, clean, and wind down the day talking about our highs and lows of the day, as well as continue to dream about our future and make goals.

Well…that part didn’t quite end up that way in our case. The first year had quite a few ups and LOTS of downs. I realized just how dirty my husband really was, how much the way he brushed annoyed me, how much he was NOT about my huge crush on Chad Michael Murray and was not interested in entertaining the thought of me keeping all my cut-outs of him (CMM) on my nightstand. I also found that my sleeping with the radio on all night made it difficult for him to sleep. I also was made aware that he did not consider clothing a good choice for Christmas gifts, no matter the brand, quality, or price. And he soon found that my idea of “the best Christmas gift ever” was not a stuffed leopard holding leopard print lingerie, even though “you love everything leopard”. Needless to say, our first Christmas, seven days after our wedding and straight from our honeymoon, was VERY awkward.

Anyway, ten and a half years in and we’re STILL learning a lot about each other. The learning NEVER ends. Like one of the two officiants  of our wedding rightly said, “There is something new to discover about (one another) every day for the rest of your lives”. I tell you, I’m discovering! I don’t always like what I discover, and vice versa, but we’re definitely in it for the long haul.

Do we fight? Oh, do we ever! It’s not always tamed either. Some who don’t know us better would probably think that it was the last straw for us many times, but somehow we get through it. I’m the main culprit, because in my mind, I’m always right. After all, I’ve looked at it from every angle, and I just know my way is best, and for that reason, I often believe we should go with my way. And that’s often when the issues arise.

 Marriage is not always easy. Falling in love is not all that matters. Marriage is tough. It will test you as a person and as team player. It will expose the dirtiest parts of you and leave you to determine whether or not the camo you may have been wearing going in/ the charade you two have been playing/ the façade you’ve been using to mask the real you in order to snag one another is maintainable. The masks come off at some point. He’ll see the real you and vice versa. The truths and lies will be brought to light. In those moments, you have a choice to make. In those moments, you have to choose your partner. Choose the person you fell in love with…be in it, not for just the good times, but the bad as well…and trust me, those bad times can get really ugly and painful.

In our case, we come back to the fact that we made a commitment, we took a vow. Sometimes throwing in the towel seems like an option, but we do our best to keep pressing in, taking the time to better understand one another, see from the other’s perspective. It’s NOT about the children. It’s NOT about what others will say or think. It’s about us, our love.

Our wedding was beautiful. The day was amazing, but our life together is SO much more than that one day. One moment I don’t think I could dislike anyone so much, but in the next, he melts my heart. That’s just love. Marriage is work…HARD work. That’s why, like our mentors, the Palmas, recently reminded us, a marriage is not 50:50; it’s 100:100. If you’re not all in, it’s not going to last. One foot in and the other out doesn’t cut it. Having clauses in your for better or worse won’t work.

Marriage can be tough and sometimes even unbearable. You will feel like you’re at your wits end many times. You will want to punch him or her in the face; I guarantee it. Oh, it can fizzle so quickly, but that’s only if you let it.