I'll Be Better

I can’t believe 2016 has come and is on its way out so quickly. It was definitely jam-packed with its ups and downs - emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I was my both my best and worst self, as a parent, wife, and friend. I learned a lot about myself when under pressure, extremely stressed, and over the moon with joy. Things that I thought I would never do, I gave a shot.  2016 totally stretched me, and so many others I know, to the limit.

I started the year unsure of myself, starting a new business and feeling very unprepared. I had a few exams to take, in order to obtain necessary certifications, so I would fully be able to help families and individuals reach financial independence. Having come from a journalism, mass communication, and sociology background, I doubted myself and my ability to succeed. I had many moments of failure, where I beat myself up and convinced myself I was letting down my family (both nuclear and extended). I was ashamed of how many times I had to take each exam, due to self-doubt, and didn’t believe I deserved the support so many dear friends gave me.

Due to what I considered my deficiencies, I became mean, because as Iong as I pushed others away, they couldn’t see that I was breaking down inside. However, the moment I was hit with the gravity of how much my behavior had affected others was after I passed my first exam, the second time around. I remember announcing it to our children during dinner. Everyone was excited, but my first son seemed sad. I later pulled him aside and asked him what was wrong, and his body language spoke volumes: head down, near tears. I was at a loss.

It was after much prying that he admitted, “Mommy, my brain keeps telling me you don’t love me.” I was tumbleweed. I’d convinced myself that I was unworthy and in turn had made my son feel the same, by my actions. Unwilling to accept that I was that horrible, I probed further. He shared, “I know you love me, but my mind always tells me that when you (discipline) me, you don’t really love me. You study all the time and always get mad if we play too loud or knock over your books.” I was melting wax, but I allowed him to continue. “I know you passed this exam, but you have another one.” I understood what he was saying.

After I assured him that I did love him and apologized for making him think otherwise, he asked me something that he’d apparently been wanting to ask me for weeks: “Mommy, at your book signing, will you let everyone know that the book is about me?” I couldn’t help but pull him close, as I fought back tears, and whispered, “Yes”. I must have told him a dozen times how much I loved him that night.

Another moment of failure came in November when I had to inform our children that I had not won a trip to Disney World that I promised I would win by working extremely hard and staying on task. The toughest part was my one-on-one with our second son. He was my biggest cheerleader and had cheered me on every step of the way: “Mommy, you can do it! I’ve told everybody we’re going. Go help families; we’ll be okay.” It was only right to break the news to him first.

I remember calling him into our bedroom the afternoon I realized there was no way in the world I would be able to make the cut. He walked in, all smiles, but his countenance changed when he saw my face. I had him sit on the loveseat across from me. As I opened my mouth to speak, hot tears began streaming down my face. He jumped up and ran over to me and asked what was wrong. I hesitantly told him that I had not won the Disney World trip, because I had not worked as hard as I should have. He looked up at me, obviously heartbroken, and said, “That’s okay, Mommy.” I asked if he was upset, and I remember it as if it was just today: “Mommy, you tried. I’m only a little bit disappointed.” I was a puddle. I was in such shambles I asked that he break the news to his siblings, who apparently had never believed we were going in the first place, which was a spear to my chest. I was simply done for the day.

Despite the grief and many tears it brought, 2016 brought great highs. I had my first book signing, and a lot of great friends and family showed up and supported me. The love in the room that day was undeniable. People who believed in me stood there beside and around me. I had not felt a high like that since my cross country running days. I was Rocky Balboa.

In 2017, I intend to soar. I intend to host my first public play, which is something I’d never fathomed. I will be the Baobab tree, which has fire resistant bark and is unmoved by drought. I will be pliable clay, more yielding to my Master’s will, rather than attempt to do things my way alone. I will be Matira Beach, one of most beautiful beaches in Bora Bora with public access. I intend to keep my promises. I intend to do and be better.