Loving to Fear

When I was single and “enjoying my life”, I had a friend who had recently gotten engaged and was super in love with her fiancé. She talked about him often, their future, how wonderful he was, how they met, the wonderful way things worked out, etc. I was sincerely happy for my friend, but even though I thought I may, I was never jealous.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I wasn’t interested in getting married or I didn’t like the guy. I think it was the fear she began to express that sort of put me off. Initially, it was that she feared something would happen to him prior to them getting married. I was confused by this and asked why this would even be going through her mind. She stated that she had never been so in love in her life, and he was so perfect for her that she feared that she would lose him before she had an opportunity to enjoy this fairy-tale like love.

Then, they got married, and she stated that she seemed to be more fearful than before they got married. She feared that he would go to work and not make it home, or something bad would happen to him, and she would end up alone, without the man that made her so happy. This irked me for a while, and I just figured I’d pray for her, that it would pass.

Less than two years later, I was engaged and married. Sadly enough, I began experiencing similar fears my friend had. The only time I’d ever felt it prior was the day my family saw me off at the airport, when I was leaving Nigeria for the US. I remember hiding my tears from my family, hugging each member tightly, in case I never saw them again. Due to the circumstance, I had convinced myself that could very well be true. I covered my face and cried myself to sleep on that long plane ride.

Now, here I was…happy, loving my life, my husband, but each morning, fearing one of us may not live to see the other at the end of the day. I’d pray fervently each morning, before my husband woke up, that if I could just find some grace in God’s eyes, we could both start and end the day together. With time, I came to the realization that my life, and all that pertained to it, were in His Hands. There was no move either of us would make that He would not have a say in, and His plans for us are always with our best interest in mind.

Then, we had our first child. Oh, the new wave of fear I experienced! A dream of my son being forgotten while at a water park, in the care of a friend, and me finally finding him floating, sun burned very badly and blistering threw me over the edge. From that moment, I would not let anyone drive him, or any of my children anywhere. If it was not me, then it would have to be my husband. I widened the pool to my sister, but that was it, for a while. I would not let anyone, who I could not forgive, if something was to occur, to drive them any where.

Today, I would like to say things have changed, but only slightly so. I realize that sometimes we love so much, care so much, that we forget the fact that God is truly in control. I pray each morning, for every member of my family, but because I’m human, I do have to remind myself daily of His great love for us. I also recall that all experienced was part of what he feared the most. I refuse to be Job and lose all I love because I forgot I’ve been given a spirit of love, power, and a sound mind. Also, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment…”

I cannot allow myself to love to the point of fear.