I guess after being married eight years and getting past the
hump of the first seven years of marriage, or the ‘seven-year itch’, there is
something to be said for perseverance, patience, and good communication. Some may
ask, “How about love? You didn’t mention love.” Well, that’s the thing…after
walking in my shoes for the last nine years of a relationship that is still
growing, I’m finding that love is the absolute foundation. However, if we are
not persevering (pushing past the occasional hurtful word or feelings of being
taken for granted), patient, or communicating well with our spouses, what may have
seemed sufficient to keep our relationships going in the beginning may not seem
enough to keep us moving along on the endless journey that keeps us bound to
another human being “until death do us part”.
When we’re dating/courting, we can’t imagine living a day
without that special person in our lives, we’re on Cloud 9. Nothing anyone says
or does can bother us, as long as that special person is just a phone call
away, still loving and missing us. Sometimes we lose all sense of who we are,
transforming for the better (or worse), in order to accommodate this person and
his/her ways of life. Family members may be perplexed by these changes and may
even voice them, concerned that we are becoming someone so far from the person
they know that they can hardly relate to us anymore. Friends who considered
themselves close may notice our distance or lack of time or thought for anything
or anyone but this person. We seldom realize how consumed we are, or have been,
until long after we’ve said, “I do”.
The thing is so many of us notice that something has
changed, that we have changed; however, we feel we’re making compromises in the
name of love. I believe that if this person is making us a better person
(encouraging us to mend relationships, forgive, quit cursing, be more
spiritually or financially accountable, etc.), people will definitely notice
such changes and embrace the relationship, because that person is sharpening us,
the person our families and friends know and love. In some cases though, we end
up compromising where we never have before (trying drugs, drinking, engaging in
pre-marital sex, etc.).
Sometimes even after we are well aware of negative changes,
we think we’re too far gone or have invested too much time in the relationship
to go back to being single. The sad thing we seldom realize is that things only
escalate once we get married. If the person could affect our lives prior to
marriage, it is inevitable that will only continue after marriage, which will
only strain any of our other remaining relationships. We need to stop in our
tracks, re-evaluate things, listen to the voices around us. We need to ask
ourselves, “Why are they saying these things? If they didn’t care, would they
even bother?”
Nowadays, people divorce over just about anything. Some can’t
agree on financial decisions, how to raise their children, how best to spend
their time, which religion will be the family religion, whether to have an open
or closed marriage, etc. Yes, these are things most of us would believe best
discussed prior to marriage, but unfortunately, under the cloud of ‘love’, we
often fail to consider the most logical things. There is SO much to learn about
one another, discuss, and agree upon PRIOR to marriage. There’s time; we must
use it wisely, rather than kissy-facing. If at any point, we find that what the
person likes/dislikes is something we cannot live with/without for the rest of
our lives, it may be time to hit the brakes. If there is something he/she does
that we just can’t stand or put up with, whether we consider it annoying or
against our morals, or whatever the case may be, such things only tend to be
magnified in marriage, as they will become issues we will have to live with on
a daily basis.
Don’t make the poor assumption that marriage will change
him/her. There are definitely warning signs that WE make the decision to either
address or ignore. Unfortunately, they tend to be most glaring to those
on the outside looking in, rather than we, the individuals walking into the ‘pit’.
Even if we think we’ll be giving up on “the best thing that’s ever happened to
me”, a delay in proposing, setting a date, or a longer engagement may be
preferable in the long run than making it to the altar unprepared for your
future together. Or, even if it’s at the altar that reality smacks you in the
face, it’s not too late to reconsider. It’s better that late than to enter a
marriage inevitable to end in divorce or endured in misery and unhappiness,
possibly including children.
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