Ten Years Strong

Today, December 18^th, happens to be my husband and I’s 10^th wedding anniversary. Who knew ten years ago that we would be where we are today? Not me! I won’t lie and say it’s all been peachy or a stroll in the park. It’s been more like an endless rollercoaster. There have certainly been good times, but the bad times have been really bad. However, in these last ten years, I’ve learned and grown a lot. By no means am I the perfect wife. (HA! Far from it!) I do know that in the last several years, I’ve learned the following, and if any of it helps even one person or marriage, then I’ll be glad to have shared.

10.  Try and embrace one of the family things your spouse does that you may not understand but means the world to him/her. For instance, growing up, my family didn’t celebrate Christmas, in terms of gift giving, etc. We focused on Jesus, the reason for the season. However, my husband’s family is big on Christmas. For the first several years, I didn’t get why we made lists and gave gifts to others that they could probably just buy themselves. I also didn’t get why one would wait until the end of the year to give a gift. In our family, if you saw something someone would like, you bought it and gave it, even if their birthday was in a few days or Christmas was tomorrow. It just wasn’t a big deal to us growing up. For my husband’s sake though, I do my best to embrace it: going out to pick up stocking stuffers the week of Christmas and do my best to get excited about it, even though I get anxiety about the whole thing almost every year. I do know that he appreciates me getting into it for his sake, and that makes me happy. Your presence and participation could mean the world to your spouse. Plus, you never know…you may actually start looking forward to it.

9.  Support your spouse’s dreams, regardless of what naysayers may say. When it’s time to reap, the other will always know that even when it seemed impossible, you had his/her back, you believed in his or her dream. Don’t give into other people’s negativity. If you believe in your spouse, that’s fuel enough to help the dream become reality.

8. I’m not big on PDA, especially being mindful of my single friends. However, one thing I don’t mind is holding my husband’s hands.  It’s an indication of love without words. Sometimes, when we’re in a heated argument and end up giving each other the silent treatment, to break the ice, especially in a vehicle, one of us reaches out to the other’s hand and waits until the recipient responds with a squeeze. That small gesture is how we know we’re good. The issue may not have been worth the argument, and a little squeeze of the hand says, “I know you got in your feelings, and I got in mine. I’m sorry.” If it’s a bigger issue, we discuss it later, when we’re both calm and rational. Hand holding for me is us indicating we’re one, and we’re in this together.

7.  Find something that the two of you enjoy doing together, even if in silence, when you’re alone. My husband and I enjoy getting out a blanket and pillows and watching the movie “Something New” while playing Skipbo or Phase 10. We may not say more than a few words to each other, but that time together means a lot. Quality time versus quantity time is important. Learn to appreciate each other’s presence. Just make sure you find, or make, time for one another, in the absence of sex.

6.  Learn your spouse’s language. It’s not until about three years into our marriage that I realized that the “The Five Love Languages” weren’t just a hokey concept that Gary D. Chapman concocted. I realized that just because I appreciated when my husband did things around the house to help me out, me cleaning up the entire house before he returned from work did not have the same effect on him. He would have been satisfied with a hug and a kiss upon seeing me. The ta-da and gesturing to the kitchen, living room, etc didn’t mean much. While I am keen on acts of service, my husband is more appreciative of physical touch. Use the love language your spouse is more apt to receive than the one you like.

5.  It’s important to dream together. My husband and I have designed a house, started a nonprofit organization all in our minds. We talk about it when times are tough, to give us hope that together, we can reach our goals and our joint hope, or dream, can become our reality, as long as we each do our part and keep each other accountable. No one person does all the work or dreaming. They are joint dreams we intend to strive toward and attain together.

4.   Lean on one another. If there is anyone that should know you better than anybody on the planet, it should be your spouse. When life takes those sharp turns: you get turned down for the job of your dreams, you lose a close relative, you get laid off, or you just feel like giving up, your spouse should be there to encourage and pick you up. You’re partners who are supposed to do life together. His pain is yours and vice versa. Don’t keep it to yourself.

3. Don’t wait until night time to make up. I’ve found it’s better to talk it out before either of you leaves. In the heat of the moment, storming out could potentially worsen things. From another perspective, I know of one couple who never made it back to each other the night after a disagreement. One passed away unexpectedly, leaving the other heartbroken. We’re not promised another day or moment, so we should try not to let issues linger; patch them up as soon as you can.

2.  Talk to each other. Talk about everything, even the uncomfortable. If you can’t talk to your spouse, then who can you talk to? Your spouse should be able to accept you – good, bad, ugly, worst. It may hurt sometimes, but you don’t want an explosion, because even the simple irritants can fester and grow, becoming nuisances. If it bothers you, share it (lovingly). If you’re feeling insecure, share your insecurity; you should feel safe enough to be vulnerable with your spouse. Being honest about your feelings doesn’t make you a mitch or over-emotional.

1.  Fight for your marriage. Don’t let your families be the cause for strife between you two. Don’t let your friends’ advice or input make you question your relationship. There are well-wishers out there that don’t realize they are actually sowing seeds of doubt in you with their words. There are too many distractions in the world around us: money, work, the opposite sex, etc. If we do not fight for our marriages, divorce too easily becomes an option. If you love him/her, fight like your life depends on it, because if you don’t, someone out there wants what you are taking for granted.

Just know that that ONE should make you a better version of yourself. Together, you can take on the world and conquer it, if you work as a team. Love is beautiful and sweet. Cheers to your marriage, or your future marriage, as you wait for Mr/Mrs Right or are engaged at this time!