What Do You Miss about Us?

This week was certainly another one of reflection. There were several moments of chaos and noise, but when I got away, in those rare moments, when it required me getting up early, changing into my shorts and tennis shoes and stealing away while the family slept, I got what I wanted – silence. It was during one of those moments I wondered where the last several years had gone.

I knew time had passed by, but I didn’t realize it had passed me as well. I tried to account for the last four, then eight years. It just all seemed to be a blur. Yet, I could remember the day my then-courter, asked me to marry him. I remember the place, the smells, the atmosphere that very day. Time stood still that day. My heart pounded just a little faster. At that moment, I realized my life would be changed forever.

Fast forward 125 months and here we are: three children, all in school and so many responsibilities. It’s no longer just us. It’s no longer just our love. There are no longer late night walks in the park or Saturdays in South Phoenix feeding the homeless. Times have changed greatly, and with it, so have we. In some ways, we have remained the same; yet, being that we are humans, we have grown…we have found new interests and discovered more things we dislike. Our goals have changed quite a bit. What seemed within grasp earlier in the story of us now sometimes seems somewhat lofty.

Two nights ago, on a rare night that my husband happened to be awake long enough after a long day, I asked him a question I’d been asking myself for quite a while: “Babe, what do you miss about us?” Truth be told, that’s something I think about quite a bit. At 25, the world was my canvas, and what I couldn’t draw on it, I wrote on the pages of my heart. I shared them with my new husband, and we dreamt together. Now, thinking clearly, using yesterday’s eyes, I see that so few of those dreams have materialized, and not because they were that far-fetched either.

As is usually the case, I answered my question first. I told him I missed dreaming. I missed sharing our visions and goals and working toward them together. We now have differing passions and interests, some which kind of meet at a point, but for the most part, they kind of collide.

He simply stated that he missed when things were calm, when there was little to no stress. He missed the more satisfied, happier, lighthearted version of me. At that moment, I interrupted him and reminded him that I asked about what he missed about US, not me. He clarified, stating that when I began to feel unfulfilled, I changed. He stated that that change changed us, because he then became more snappy and irritable, which then irritated me, and our changes in attitude affected our relationship.

We both just looked at each other and sat in silence for a little while. It was an honest question, and the answers were candid. It’s crazy how much we miss in life when we lose focus of what brought us together and instead focus on the here and now alone. We highlight our current issues, analyze them, assess and reassess them, then try to fix them. In trying to fix them, we tend to make a mess of things, which further stresses us out, and in turn, we lash out at those closest to us.

Well, that was that. We’ve decided to dream again, folks. We’ve decided to enjoy the moments we have together. When will we start? Well, we started today! We went to the circus; we were spontaneous. We found out about it this morning and decided right then and there that we were going. That’s totally different from who I am, being a planner and all, but we enjoyed ourselves. I enjoyed myself. I turned off the concerns about tomorrow and genuinely had fun.

We miss us, but we can get back to where we were. Baby steps...