I Don't Want It That Way

Growing up, I always said I was going to try to be more affectionate toward my children when I became a mother. Well, I never realized how much easier said that was than done. If you’re not used to daily hugs and ‘I love you’s, it takes a conscious effort to incorporate those into your daily life. Becoming a parent makes it a bit easier to adjust, but it can sometimes require more effort than others would think.

It wasn’t until recently that I found that my efforts to show love toward one of my children fell short. If anyone knows my oldest son, he is a very happy young man who has a big smile on his face about 96% of the time. He is light-hearted and loves people. He tends to be quiet, either in his own world creating something or watching people, awaiting their reactions to things in order to relate to them accordingly.

In my eyes, he’s not really macho, but he doesn’t typically like to be touched, so when receiving hugs, he usually opts for side hugs. His preference for the location of kisses he’s receiving tends to be his forehead. I always just shrugged it off and complied. Any other acts of affection seemed to make him uncomfortable, so when his siblings come around and give random hugs and kisses to us, he remains a spectator. That’s always been fine with me, being that his siblings tend to lay their love on pretty thick.

About three weeks ago, our driving situation had to be readjusted for a day. I ended up in the back seat of our van with him. It was pretty tight quarters, being that we were transporting quite a few big items. So, in my mommy-like manner, I decided to do something different from the usual. I leaned over and pulled my little man close and was met with a confused look and, “Hey! What are you doing, Mommy?”

I replied, “Oh, I just wanted to love on you.” He stared at me blankly then shrugged his shoulders and said, “Oh, okay.”

I pulled him closer, leaned him back and massaged his scalp and face. He smiled. I asked if he liked that, and he told me he did. I then gave him a kiss next to his lips and he reciprocated. The smile on his face was priceless. I didn’t want to ruin the moment, but I just had to ask him one question.

“I thought you didn’t like hugs and kisses, but it seems you’re liking them now.”

“Oh, I like hugs and stuff. I just thought you don’t really like hugs and kisses, so you only like to hug me like that and kiss my forehead. That’s how you always hug and kiss me.”

“I’m sorry. I thought you didn’t like to be touched.”

“I do, just not all the time, but I like your hugs and kisses.”

“Would you like me to give you more hugs and kisses?”

“Yes,” he replied as his eyes lit up. “You can give me more hugs and kisses if you want. I would like that.”

Right then and there, my heart sank. I didn’t realize I, his mom, the one person that should know him very well, had missed that. How could I not know he was taking cues from me?

Growing up, I was the awkward hugger. I’d rather give you a shoulder or a pat on the back, because I just didn’t see the purpose of a full on chest-to-chest hug. Honestly, I considered it an invasion of my personal space. Growing up, we weren’t a family of huggers, neither did we say or hear, “I love you” much. I’m pretty certain I can count the number of times my dad told me he loved me. Our parents’ actions were more than enough to show us that they loved us, and we never had any reason to question that. We were not deprived of love in any way, shape, or form.

However, my hope as a parent was and is to show my children that hugs and other acts of love are okay to share when appropriate. They don’t make a person appear weak, and they should not feel uncomfortable. I’ll be honest though: I’m still a bit uneasy and awkward with hugs at times. I sometimes give them even when every fiber of my being feels that it’s just weird or unnecessary. I’m still growing and learning, but I don’t want my children growing up with a fear of or an aversion to moments in which individuals need comforting or encouragement without words.

Touch is very important for us as humans. Hugs speak volumes when we lack words to truly express ourselves or when a moment does not require words at all. When we miss that key element, along with a genuine smile, we miss out on a lot, and I don’t want it that way for my children.