I Won Bread and Lost

Oh to be in your prime doing what you love and having everything falling into place in your life. The ideal job (maybe not quite earning how much you would like, but loving your 9-to-5) and being newly married with a house you and your spouse watched being built from the ground up.  It was 2006, and I felt things couldn’t get much better. Life was good.

I got to thinking, kind of like when my husband and I were courting, “Something isn’t right”. Due to an issue that occurred years prior, I had been limited as far as my work ability. So of course I was grateful that a speech I had given in my speech class in college about adoption eventually landed me a job I loved. In my mind growing up, that would have been followed by my dream guy coming along and sweeping me off my feet, and both of us settling into our careers, moving into our dream house, and having four beautiful babies.

Unlike the life I had imagined, the man I fell in love with had no degree and worked a “lowly” job, well, based on how much he made. In my eyes, something had to change, and I expressed it over and over again. I saw past his current situation and knew what could be. I saw his talent, even when he couldn’t. I was making more money than him, and initially, it didn’t matter to me, but the day we started talking about having children, it all changed. I mean, I couldn’t bring a child into the world who would think that mediocre, or not following your dreams, was okay. There was no way I was going to let our child think his/her father, the man I fell in love with, was one with no direction.

Before I knew it, I went from nagging to harassing to being plain ol’ mean. I was hoping that if I pushed just enough, my husband would see what I saw in him and spring into action. I made statements like, “At your age, you should be…” “Well, I’m not having any babies if…” For some reason, I thought this would convey what I saw and somehow steer him in the “right” direction. To be honest, it did much worse. In my efforts to prove to him that I was right, I came off as unhappy, full of regret, and disrespectful. Yep, that was me, folks.

All the pushing did lead to him finding a new job that paid him much more than what he was being paid prior, but things had changed between us. I had proven to be a fair-weather wife, I guess. I only had positive things to say when the going was going my way. Yikes!

It’s interesting how things work though. After a few months, the rug was pulled out from under me. The high horse I rode on was plowed down by a steam roller that had caught it by its rear hooves and slowly brought it down. I was laid off unexpectedly after four years. Boy was I embarrassed. How was I going to go home and tell the man I had belittled for a little over a year, in the name of bettering him, that I was without a job? How embarrassing, right?

Funny thing is that same man took me in his arms. He didn’t judge me or turn and yell, “Yes! In your face!” Rather, as I wept, he pulled me close and assured me things were going to be just fine. Yes, the breadwinner, the lone horsewoman, had fallen; I had lost. Interestingly enough, it was the one person I mistreated that dusted me off and gave me hope.