The School of Gimme

Growing up, our parents weren’t much into celebrations. For our birthdays, we weren’t guaranteed even one gift, but we knew it was a special day. We celebrated milestone birthdays minimally, and we never thought much of it. As siblings, as we got older, we were into random gift-giving. We didn’t wait until birthdays or Christmas to give gifts. We became great observers and listeners. If one of us mentioned something we liked or wanted, we’d take a mental note of it and surprise him/her with it at some point in time. None of us ever expected anything, so every gift was appreciated and a pleasant surprise.  

As an individual, I struggle with not really putting much thought or effort into what society considers important days we must celebrate. Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Christmas, and even birthdays are still pretty tough for me. I really like surprising people with gifts, when I can afford to do so. It seems to mean so much more, but then that’s just in my opinion.

As a mom though, I’m finding that even though I still feel quite strongly about my children earning things and not getting so used to expecting things from my husband or I, or other people, something just isn’t right. They have become accustomed to going places and getting things or looking forward to their birthdays and Christmas only so they can get things. Don’t get me wrong…I guess that’s okay, but for me, it takes the fun out of it all.

For instance, we went to a birthday party a few months ago. On the way there, my children were extremely excited. They talked about how they would play, etc. when they got there. The entire time they were there, they seemed to have a blast. They were all over the place, laughing and playing and truly having a great time. As soon as I told them it was time to leave, the smiles faded and they were each looking around like they had lost something. After I eventually got them in the car, I asked them if they had fun, and one of them said, “No”. When I asked why, the reply I received was, “We didn’t get party bags.”

I did my best to explain that the party in itself was the favor. They had great food, fun with friends, and played a lot of fun games. They were not in the least bit convinced. I was beyond upset and sad. They had the mindset a birthday party could only be assessed as a good time if they received something, even if they themselves did not come in with a gift.

Since they were born, my sister would bring each of my children a surprise at almost every visit, so after some time, they would run to the door when they knew it was her. One would think they would be excited that she had stopped by, but one child in particular began asking, before she even stepped in or any greetings were exchanged, “What did you brought us?” After that occurred twice, we requested that she begin visiting empty-handed. The next time she visited, said child turned and walked away when he found that she brought nothing. This was unacceptable and my husband and I firmly addressed it.  I was shocked that any of my children would associate a visit from my sister or mother-in-law as a time to receive and would otherwise ignore either due to being disappointed. This was a few years ago, but it still bothers me.

Now that two of my three children are in school, it seems the pressure has increased. They hear their classmates get treats for behaving when they go out and get huge gifts for their birthdays and/or Christmas, so they feel they should expect the same as well. All of a sudden, the make statements or ask questions like:

          “(So and so) doesn’t like me: (he/she) didn’t give me anything for my birthday.”

          “Mommy, I ate all my food. Can I get a treat now?”

          “Mommy, we were good listeners at the store. What do we get?”

          “Mommy, was I good at (so and so)’s house? What do I get?”

                                                                                                                                                           

I  offer no apologies for being a tough mom. I see a lot of children around that I have no interest in my children imitating. They have bad attitudes and their parents feel the need to bribe them in order for them to follow instructions. I’m so not about that. The new school of gimme is not my thing, and I refuse to lose my children’s respect and give them control in our household. My parents’ way of doing things may have been far from the norm, but I think my husband and I may have to rethink certain things. We want our children to be useful to society and enjoy giving, not simply believe they are entitled to things. We will continue to make changes as we see fit, but we want our children to appreciate everything they receive, and that’s very important to us.