Shabby Mommy

Ever know a sexy lady who was with it in every way possible? A woman who stood up in the middle of a meeting, clothes pressed and well-put together and you knew whatever she had to say had to be noted? I’m not a talking about a homegirl who you could possibly run into at Walmart with curlers in her hair and still in her PJs. I’m referring to the woman you walked by at Costco or somewhere during your leisure walk through the mall that there was no disputing by the stride in her step that she was purpose-driven and meant business.

These women are all around us. Some juggle multiple jobs. Some care for their elderly parents. Others have the weight of the stress their work puts on them to bare. Often, there’s no leaving the work at the office for them, as there is little or no demarcation between home and work life, as they strive toward success.

Well, I’m not any of these women. I think somewhere between my first baby bump and my layoff in 2011, I lost her…myself. I went from believing I had dreams worth working toward to focusing solely on my children. I went from chic to drab. It was a gradual transition and definitely not intentional. Something in me switched off several years ago, and it just changed how I viewed myself and my life. Silly as it may sound, I think it started when I got a NY&Co coupon in the mail that I used to look forward to every few months.  Rather than search for my purse and tuck it in-between my debit cards, I set it aside on the kitchen bar. Nah, I think it may have started before that, because there was a time, short as it may have been, when I never used to rely on coupons to shop, as my good friend, P, knows.

Honestly, I’m not sure when exactly this decline occurred, but it has. You can find me in a five-year-old blouse, pants I salvaged from my sister’s donation pile, and eight-year-old black flip flops from Old Navy on almost any given day a few weeks ago. It wasn’t until I received an e-mail from my very concerned sister about two weeks ago that I really took a good look at myself. Her candid thoughts about me depriving myself of good things since becoming a mother made me re-evaluate myself and why I made the decisions I did.

If I wanted or needed something, I’d log it on my phone in my ‘I Want/Need’ S Memo. The only problem was that when the opportunity arose, for example, gift cards or cash given for my birthday, Christmas, or Mother’s Day, I would use them to pay bills or buy the children things. I didn’t truly realize, until that e-mail, how much I’d conditioned myself to believe I didn’t really need or deserve a lot of things, because as a mother,  I needed to deny myself good things for the benefit of my children.

Since then, and after a few conversations with some godly friends of mine, E and F, I’ve decided to purposely put my needs first, especially when gifted things. I’m still working on this, as I struggle to accept and believe that I really do deserve good things. I have to allow myself to feel appreciated. So, I’m going to finally get the heels I want and upgrade my closet a bit. Don’t get it twisted though…I’m still going to look for online deals and look out for my NY&Co coupons, because this shabby to chic mom is all about saving a buck when she can and will be purposely pursuing her dreams here on out!